


i'm asphyxiated ; the many li(v)es of fear

by suheafoams



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-14
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-26 15:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 33,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6246211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suheafoams/pseuds/suheafoams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>fear is Joonmyun's twin, denial is his father, and love is a man he never wants to relive his memories of again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was written in 2013 but it's my baby and treasured even though i sometimes cringe when reading back on old stuff. also easier reading format for those who prefer ao3. 
> 
> i will be posting new sukai fic soon for those who are interested!!

“So why is it you never go to those high school reunions you get so many invitations to?” Kris asks. Joonmyun has just thrown out a stack of the cards into the recycling; his mother always sends them to the office in hopes that he’ll go. “You mentioned you were the class president, too. Doesn’t everyone want to meet you again?” 

“I think they’ll be fine without me there,” Joonmyun answers, tapping the stack of papers on the table so they’ll fall into alignment again. There’s times when he gets too talkative in front of other people. “Can you get me a coffee?”

Kris looks appalled at the amount of coffee Joonmyun is consuming rather than offended that Joonmyun is telling him to get one. “That’s your sixth cup and it’s not even past noon yet!”

“I like mine black,” Joonmyun calls over his shoulder as he leaves the lounge.

 

 

With Joonmyun’s intense job as a film producer, it’s a miracle the only thing he’s addicted to is coffee. It helps relieve his stress when he has to deal with uncooperative staff members or pull extra hours out of his own time to make an unreasonable deadline. 

Today’s the first day of shooting, after months and months of recruiting actors and creating a production team and making yet more adjustments whenever a hole was found in plans. Everything that’s being shot right now is indoors, so Joonmyun gives himself a little more space to relax by leaving the supervision to Kris. 

Only five minutes in, and the lead actress has already forgotten her lines. Joonmyun wants to throw something, but resorts to gripping his forearms so he won’t start screaming his head off. So much for taking a rest. He grabs his clipboard and wedges a pencil behind his ear, walking towards the scene to get a closer look at what’s going on. 

“I thought you wanted to take a break?” Kris says when he realizes Joonmyun’s standing next to him. “Or could you not handle the thought of me supervising things?” 

“You’re a lot more patient than I am, so people don’t feel the same urgency they do when I’m around,” Joonmyun answers, a smile on the corners of his lips. Kris doesn’t know whether that’s a comment or an insult so he remains silent. Joonmyun has always been good with words and manipulating people through whatever verbal methods he can employ. For a man of his stature, he looks completely benign until he opens his mouth. 

“Joonmyunnie hyung,” Sehun comes running, his rainbow bangs flying up and exposing his forehead. “We’ve got a problem.” 

Those are words that Joonmyun’s heard a million times but never fails to feel irritated at when he hears them again. At first he considers correcting Sehun’s affectionate nickname for him, but it’s too much of a bother since Sehun’s memory is equal to a hamster’s. He decides to just ask, “What is it?” 

“The photographer we hired quit for personal reasons.” Sehun taps his index fingers together, biting his lower lip. 

“Well what are you doing – aren’t you going to get him back to work?” Joonmyun snaps irritably. Why does everyone have to insist on giving him a headache today? 

“W-well that defeats the purpose of him even q-quitting in the first place…” Sehun replies, looking a little scared because Joonmyun’s getting angrier by the second. 

Joonmyun throws up his hands in surrender. “Then find a new photographer! And fast!” 

“You’re not going to…?” Kris asks. It’s unheard of for Joonmyun to give a task as important as this to someone else. 

“I’m done with recruiting. Just find one or two that aren’t shady and easy to work with. There’s enough shit on the list of things I have to do just for this movie to be finished,” Joonmyun says in exasperation, shaking his head. 

 

 

Although he did say he wouldn’t be in charge of getting a new photographer, Joonmyun heads to another exhibition in Seoul anyways to see if there’s anyone he likes there. It’s one where people dress up fancy and pretend they know what real art is, but Joonmyun thinks it’s all just for show. He would much rather have come in a hoodie and jeans than the collared shirt and dress pants he has on now. 

There’s nothing that stands out particularly to him, maybe a few different photographers’ work, but most of them are busy talking to potential clients and Joonmyun doesn’t have to get anything accomplished today anyways. He steps out into the hallway, where he can actually breathe and not be swarmed in a mixture of perfumes that are too fruity and overly applied colognes. 

“You’d think my nose would have become immune to it now,” Joonmyun mutters, and rummages through his pockets for any coffee candy. He stores them in nearly every article of clothing he has in case he’s out and about without a cup of coffee on him. 

Coffee has a soothing taste and smell and feeling that nothing and nobody else can offer Joonmyun. He’s never been one to talk much about himself because it seems that he’s always solving other people’s disputes, yelling at staff, or trying to convince some actor or some director to work for his team. It makes sense; he simply doesn’t have the time. 

In other words, Joonmyun can’t relate to other people. He doesn’t care about many to begin with, except for Kris and Luhan (and maybe Sehun), but even they don’t know what he’s really like on the inside, so it’s accurate to say nobody understands him. Whether he’s in a room filled with people and sociality or his own apartment that’s never warm enough for his sensitive body, he feels the same. Alone. 

“You’re a real workaholic if you go around doing tasks that aren’t yours,” a familiar voice muses, and Joonmyun turns to see Kris and Sehun smiling at him. 

“I was just here to see the exhibit,” Joonmyun says coolly. “Have you guys talked to anyone yet?” 

“A few, but not very promising. They all looked like high class assholes if you ask me –” Sehun doesn’t sound vicious when he badmouths other people. Not the way Joonmyun does even if he tries to tone his ruthless complaints down. 

Even so, Kris covers Sehun’s mouth politely. Joonmyun wonders how that kind of thing can be done without coming off as rude, but Kris is the epitome of cordiality and so he is not surprised. Kris says, “What he really means is that we’re still searching. Don’t worry too much, okay?” 

“I’m not worried,” Joonmyun responds, though a tiny part of him still is. Sehun and Kris are not the best at perceiving people’s usefulness because they always see the best in someone whereas Joonmyun sees the worst. 

The two go off to hunt down more possible candidates for hiring. Joonmyun stays in the same place, sucking on his coffee candy until it is little more than a pebble’s size, and he swallows it soon after. 

He leans closer to the wall as he admires an innovative arrangement of photographs. Each one has its own unique subject and composition but contributes to the entire display, which ends up being a silhouette of a person’s side profile. Joonmyun searches around for a name plate, intrigued by the fact that someone could come up with something like this. He finds it at a table several feet away because this entire room is filled with the artist’s work. 

His ears start ringing and he wants to hold his head so the sound will stop. But even when his hands are covering his head, it doesn’t. The name plate reads: 

Kim Jongin  
Age: 26  
Photography and Design 

Joonmyun thinks he’s going to throw up. 

 

 

“What do you want to do after high school?” Jongin asked, brushing a dust bunny off of Joonmyun’s hood. 

“I want to make movies. But I’ll probably study engineering; it’s what my parents want me to do,” Joonmyun replied, turning pink when Jongin’s breath tickled the back of his neck. “What’s your dream, Jongin?” 

“I want to be a photographer. Just take pictures, and put them together to make something meaningful. Or whatever else. You can do a lot with photographs. But that’s a hard job to get by if no one likes your pictures, so maybe I’ll just do it as a hobby?” Jongin smiled and kissed Joonmyun on the forehead. 

“You should make it come true. That dream,” Joonmyun said. 

“Maybe I will,” Jongin answered. “Maybe I will.” 

 

 

“This is an absolutely wonderful display!” 

Joonmyun turns around. There’s a small group of middle aged spectators gathering at the piece he’d just been looking at, and Joonmyun wonders how expert they consider themselves to be at admiring art. A tall man approaches them. “Thank you,” he bows slightly, looking pleased at the positive feedback. 

Lean legs and a well-proportioned torso lead up to a smiling face that Joonmyun has seen too many times to count. The man’s dark eyes are soft, and his hair is permed into a wavy mess that looks good even though it clearly shouldn’t. Joonmyun doesn’t like curls. Never has. 

Jongin looks in his direction for a second, and Joonmyun turns around on instinct, quickly exiting the exhibition without looking back. Once he’s outside, he holds onto the stairway for support as he tries to repress the violent urge to vomit everything he’s eaten today.

 

 

Joonmyun shows up to work in sunglasses and hood hanging over his face. He considers himself lucky to have the type of job where there is no strict dress code, though that doesn’t stop Kris from commenting on his change of fashion choice. 

“You look like hell froze over,” Kris says, looking bright as ever with his fresh haircut and ash golden dye job. Joonmyun wants to grab a fistful and tug. Hard. 

“Well god damn can’t a man dress like a slop for once?”

“Oh, someone’s sensitive. Usually you pretend I’m not there or tell me to get you a coffee. Do you want one?” Kris’s tone turns from teasing to full on concern. 

“I just had three this morning. I need to slow it down,” Joonmyun says, waving his hand. It’s barely past 8 AM. 

“Since when did Joonmyun bother to control his consumption of coffee?” Kris jokes, but he sobers up quickly once he remembers what he was going to ask. “Really, why are you dressed like that today though? You never oversleep, and…did you not sleep well?” 

“I slept at 3 AM when I got in bed at 12,” Joonmyun explains, and he doesn’t go farther than that. 

“Did you see a horror movie trailer? You should know to switch the channel when you see those things,” Kris looks mildly sympathetic. It’s in these tiny moments when Joonmyun doesn’t feel quite so misunderstood. Kris knows plenty of things about him, like how he’s both a morning and a night person (but not afternoon) and how he doesn’t like intensely flavored food, and also the fact that he’s terrified of horror movies yet can’t bring himself to stop watching if he stumbles upon a trailer. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg, and the worst of Joonmyun is all down under. 

He thinks back to Jongin. “Something like that, yeah.” 

“Hyung!” Sehun’s voice is much too chipper even from a distance; it leaves Joonmyun feeling more irritated than cheerful. “Are you alright? Yesterday we tried to look for you but you completely disappeared.” 

“I went home.” 

Sehun’s feathers seem to have been ruffled. “Well you should have told us. We wanted to tell you about the awesome guy we met but you already left.” 

“Is he going to come in today?” That’s all Joonmyun really cares about. Getting a schedule rolling in time and with no setbacks. He thinks it’s something he deserves after two years of groveling in the dirt of arrogant superiors and zero recognition for his talents. 

“Nah, he’s coming in two weeks. Since he has a lot of clients, he won’t be coming all the time but he has a colleague who’s also going to be working for this movie,” Kris says, taking the opportunity to pull Joonmyun’s sunglasses off his face. He stares blankly (and Sehun gasps) because there are dark circles under Joonmyun’s eyes and there’s rarely a point in life where Joonmyun lets his face get to that point of hopelessness. Sehun takes the sunglasses from Kris and slides them back onto Joonmyun’s face. 

“When are we going to start filming?” Joonmyun asks, ignoring his friends’ worried expressions. He’s going to be okay after a few days. 

“Daniel called in sick so we’re going to be filming as many scenes that don’t involve him as possible. Shooting starts at 10, we’ll be looking over the edited film today and giving feedback to the crew.” Sehun’s fingers curl onto the hem of his shirt as he watches Joonmyun apprehensively, like he’s waiting for a dormant volcano to suddenly explode. 

“Kris, can you get me a coffee?” 

“I thought you said –“ Kris is positive Joonmyun just told him he wanted to control himself a little but apparently Joonmyun doesn’t recall saying such a thing. 

“Get me a coffee or I’m going to use you to make coffee instead,” Joonmyun grits his teeth, and Kris is scampering towards the lounge in no time. 

Joonmyun is silent and smiling by the time Kris arrives with a piping hot, black coffee. Kris feels genuinely creeped out when Joonmyun even says thank you, and Kris excuses himself to go take care of other matters. Sehun’s still here, playing with his lower lip and looking like he has a question on the tip of his tongue. 

“Do you have something to say to me?” Joonmyun asks, cup in the process of reaching his mouth. 

Sehun sits down across from him. “Hyung.” 

“Yes?” 

“It’s okay for me to call you hyung right?” Oh, so he’s going to ask that after having called Joonmyun whatever he wanted for the past six months? 

“Well, considering the number of times you have called me hyung and the fact that you’re still alive, I think you can answer that question yourself.” 

“You seem a little more normal,” Sehun grins. “What made it so hard for you to sleep last night? You don’t look like that unless you watch a full horror movie and I’m 99% positive you wouldn’t do that. The 1% is for the exception that someone’s holding a gun to your head.” 

“Your imagination runs a little wild. My insomnia was just worse than usual,” Joonmyun feels uncomfortable with the way Sehun prods for information. Sehun is young and naïve, and thinks pretty much everyone he meets is trustworthy and just as open as him. Joonmyun doesn’t think Sehun has any secrets to keep, and even if he did, he wouldn’t mind sharing them with other people as long as they listened. 

 

 

Joonmyun has many different lives and personalities, and he’s a little less knotted up when he’s around Baekhyun. They occasionally meet up for dinner, a night of sex, and brief conversations about their lives before they’re back to the daylight hours of conventional routines. Call it two men who happened to become friends after a one night stand. How they met…Joonmyun barely remembers, but it was probably two to three years ago when he first started lurking among the red light districts. Baekhyun was pretty, eyeliner alluring but not over the top, and Joonmyun liked the way his name rolled off of the man’s tongue. 

Their relationship is carefully constructed as they aren’t totally dependent on each other. Joonmyun has his other fuck buddies, Baekhyun has his. They don’t get jealous, they don’t fall in love, and if either one of them enters a relationship, they’ll call it quits. Those are the rules, and none of them have been broken so far. At least that’s what Joonmyun thinks. 

“Suho, you’ve been looking out of it lately,” Baekhyun says, glancing over to where Joonmyun is scrolling through his phone for emails. He knows that Suho is not Joonmyun’s real name, and it’d taken his persistent personality more than fifty tries to quit asking. 

“Is it that obvious?” Joonmyun says good naturedly. “Everyone around me seems to notice but doesn’t ask.” 

“Your eyes don’t focus that well and you’ve been getting into small accidents. That’s a sure sign something’s happened,” Baekhyun scoots closer to Joonmyun, who doesn’t recoil from the contact. “Your skin’s so pretty.” 

Joonmyun turns his head to see Baekhyun peering at his shoulders rather enthusiastically, and he’s not surprised when he feels teeth sink into the skin. “Thanks, I try to take good care of it.” 

“Your back has a lot of scars though. From acne? They look like they’re fading because they were a lot worse when we first met.” 

“Yeah, thanks to puberty and raging hormones. And a lot of god damn stress, more than I needed. Does it turn you off?” 

Baekhyun shakes his head. “Not particularly. I’m pretty sure no one can be turned off with the way that you moan.” 

“You’re a real fuckin’ pervert,” Joonmyun says, then rolls his eyes when Baekhyun retorts that all perverts were made equal and he wouldn’t be here in this room with Baekhyun unless he was a pervert too. 

“But honestly, is everything alright?” Baekhyun says, changing the topic (or rather going back to the original one). “You have dark spots under your eyes and you’re losing a lot of weight.” 

“Work is difficult.” Joonmyun offers a simple explanation, since he doesn’t find it necessary to talk about a time where he used to be honest and actually communicated his feelings to other people. 

“Your work is always difficult,” Baekhyun points out. “What’s new?” 

Perhaps this is why he and Baekhyun have been able to retain an amicable relationship. Baekhyun is sharp when he wants to be, and Joonmyun doesn’t mind letting go in front of someone who has no interest in being part of his daily life. Joonmyun pulls Baekhyun towards him so they can kiss. 

“Overly affectionate today, too. You’re just weird in all sorts of ways,” Baekhyun smirks. It is a lopsided smirk that Joonmyun thinks Baekhyun shouldn’t use, but he says nothing about it. 

“…I saw the first guy I loved after eight years of not seeing him,” Joonmyun says, and he can already feel the familiar vile sensation creeping along the back of his throat and threatening to make it close up. Why is it that just the thought of Kim Jongin makes him lose his appetite for anything and everything? 

Baekhyun doesn’t seem to quite understand. “Shouldn’t that be a good thing? It’s always nice to meet your first love.” 

“We broke up badly. He didn’t see me, and I didn’t talk to him. He is,” Joonmyun has to take a deep breath or else he’s going to choke on his spit from talking too fast, “the only stain in my life.” 

“More like the only guy you ever loved, when you talk about him like that. Why don’t you want to meet him?”

Joonmyun pauses. “I don’t want him to become part of my life again. That means feelings and that means people finding out the reason why I don’t date girls.” 

“Well shit,” Baekhyun rolls over so he’s lying on his back. “He probably won’t. I mean, I think it’s fine that you chose not to talk to him, that’s the safe way. But even if you guys get a chance to talk again, you should remember that people change and he probably no longer cares about you. Time is a nice savior for us all.” 

He sits up and starts to massage Joonmyun’s shoulders. “You’re always stiff, you should change your bad posture.” 

Joonmyun merely grunts in something that could pass for compliance or dissent, Baekhyun can’t tell the difference. “You sound like you’ve had experience.” 

“With what – posture? Or massaging?” 

“No, I mean…time heals everything and whatever. Is that true?” 

Without looking, Joonmyun can still guess that Baekhyun is shrugging. “More or less. Time has the power to make things fade, like pain but also passion. It’s a double edged sword, I would say.”

Joonmyun hums. If time is the solution to his problems, why does he still feel terrified at the possibility of seeing Jongin again? 

 

 

“Hey, you finished your noodles this time!” Luhan says, getting much too up and close in Joonmyun’s personal bubble. He and Luhan attended the same university together, but didn’t meet until Luhan’s graduating year. Luhan’s a part timer at a family restaurant nearby Joonmyun’s workplace, so Joonmyun insists that he only comes to get a cheap dinner, not because he wants to see the bubblegum haired man. Luhan never gets offended by Joonmyun’s words and only laughs like a maniac at everything else he says. 

“You don’t have to look that happy,” Joonmyun says sourly, spooning what’s left of the broth. “And it was still a little salty.” 

“How do you live with your taste buds?” Luhan scrunches his nose. “I tried a bit of the noodles to see if I added too much salt, but it was already too bland for my taste.”

“I lose my appetite with outside food,” Joonmyun says, taking out a crisp five dollar bill to hand to Luhan.

Luhan shakes his head because god, even Joonmyun’s money is perfect, corners flat and unfolded. After putting it away, he gives Joonmyun a receipt and says, “You lose your appetite with a lot of things, like work and salty noodles. Have you been eating better lately?” 

“I eat my veggies. And fruit.” 

“What about meat?” 

“I eat fish.” 

“Your fixation on fish is a little scary,” Luhan laughs. “Not even beef can topple your love for seafood.” 

“I’ll be going,” Joonmyun nods curtly before he’s walking out the door. 

“It’s a shame he never lets those walls of his down,” Luhan mutters, clearing the tray of dishes from where Joonmyun was sitting. “It’d help him and everyone a lot more.” 

 

 

“The photographer’s in today. Don’t you want to go and greet him?” Sehun’s head appears in the doorway while Joonmyun’s trying to enjoy his cup of coffee. 

“Didn’t I greet him already?” Joonmyun recalls shaking the hand of someone called Kyungsoo, who had a side shave and striking red hair. Not his cup of tea, but attractive and more importantly, well mannered enough to work with. 

“No, the one we originally hired. He says he wants to meet you personally.” 

Joonmyun lets a sort of cynical laugh escape his lips. “Ha ha, aren’t I a celebrity?” 

Sehun snorts, and ushers Joonmyun out into the hallway. 

Joonmyun freezes. He’s face to face with a man he’s nearly recovered from seeing after two weeks, and Jongin’s surprise is visible as well, though he doesn’t look quite as unhappy as Joonmyun. 

Noticing the awkward pause, Sehun asks, “…Do you guys know each other?” 

Before Jongin can answer, Joonmyun shakes his head and says quickly, “No. I just thought he looked familiar. But I don’t think we’ve met.” 

There’s anger in Jongin’s eyes. Joonmyun tries his best to ignore it and looks at Sehun instead. 

Sehun does the standard introduction exchange. “Hyung, this is Kim Jongin. Jongin-ssi, this is my hyung, Joonmyunnie. He’s the executive producer for this film!” 

“Nice to meet you, Joonmyun-ssi,” Jongin says, holding out his hand, and Joonmyun’s lips turn downward at the honorific. He bites his tongue to prevent himself from saying something repulsive and shakes Jongin’s hand lightly before pulling back. Jongin’s hand is still warm, and slightly rough, just like it had been in high school. 

“Nice to meet you, too.” Joonmyun stretches his fingers out as he finds some excuse to walk over to Kris and talk. 

Sehun is embarrassed because it’s not the first time Joonmyun has left him to end formal conversations on his own. “Joonmyunnie hyung is really cranky, and mean, and everyone’s scared of him. Even so, I hope you’ll bear with his behavior. Although it’s hard to tell, he really is a very hardworking and kindhearted person.” 

Jongin glances in the direction of Joonmyun. “Is that so? I’ll keep that in mind.” 

 

 

Luhan is dismayed when Joonmyun tells him he’s lost the two kilograms he gained back last week. “But you were eating so well.” 

Joonmyun pretends Luhan’s disappointed expression doesn’t faze him, and says, “Not anymore. Can you give me a smaller portion?” 

“You’re so demanding for a customer,” Luhan mutters, but he brings the tray back to the kitchen to adjust the meal to Joonmyun’s liking. He comes back and breaks Joonmyun’s chopsticks for him, rubbing them together so the wood splinters get worn off. “Here.” 

“Thanks,” Joonmyun takes the chopsticks from him, and starts stirring the noodles so all the other vegetables and chunks of chicken can mix with the soup. 

“You have to finish at least this, okay? I don’t want to see anything left over,” Luhan commands, pointing a finger, and Joonmyun nods. 

“Can I order?” a girl asks rather impatiently, and Luhan gasps. He’d totally forgotten about the customer he put on hold because he was too busy hovering over Joonmyun. 

“Right, I’m sorry, what can I get you today?” he asks, taking out his notepad and pen. Joonmyun chuckles even as he slurps his noodles. 

 

 

Joonmyun runs into Jongin when he heads back to the company after completely finishing his dinner (it took forever) and pleasing Luhan to no end. Jongin reeks of smoke, and guessing from the direction he’s coming from, he’s just been in the smoking room. 

“Good evening,” Jongin nods his head; Joonmyun does the same. 

Every part of Joonmyun seems to shake and his heart drops to the bottom of his stomach. 

Even in the office, he can’t concentrate on watching the clips. He’s too overwhelmed with the sudden reappearance of Jongin in his life, and spent most of the day in denial until Jongin’s greeting hit him like a train all over again. During his fit of aggravation, he slams a few of the drawers and doors in the room while screaming at the top of his lungs. 

He feels safer venting his frustration at times like this because everyone’s out for dinner or went home (no one is as much of a workaholic as Joonmyun) and he’s alone in this big empty space where only he can hear his own screams. 

He screams until his throat hurts and his ears are ringing, and he sits back on the chair, staring at the black of the computer screen. 

Jongin is standing outside the door, arms crossed and biting his lips in contemplation. 

 

 

Jongin and his friend Kyungsoo are an extremely popular pair among the rest of the staff, not to mention they’re also skilled at their jobs and never waste any time. Joonmyun scowls just at the thought of having to admit that to himself. 

He doesn’t like the smile that can’t seem to be wiped off of Jongin’s face whenever he’s next to Kyungsoo, and how friendly the two men are with each other. Bad, evil thoughts constantly slam into the lid of the box where Joonmyun keeps all his secrets and emotions locked in, hoping to break through. He doesn’t let them. 

“Thanks for working so hard,” Joonmyun puts on his business smile for the two photographers after the director calls for a lunch break, handing them each bottled water. 

“Thank you very much, you too,” Kyungsoo takes both bottles and gives one to Jongin, who’s staring at Joonmyun with a weary look. 

Joonmyun retreats to the lounge. There’s a coffee on the table, signed by Kris’s chicken scratch handwriting for verification. The post-it next to the mug says: 

Let’s talk in the office. Just you and me, okay? 

Joonmyun peels the sticky note off the table, folds it into a neat square, and tosses it in the recycling bin. He brings the coffee with him as he boards the stairs, making sure not to move around too violently so the contents won’t slosh out. 

He knocks on the door before going in. “What did you want to talk about?” Joonmyun asks, tentative. He remembers his tantrum a few days ago, and wonders if something of Kris’s broke. 

Kris looks nothing but concerned. “Do you have anything you need to tell me?” 

“…No.” This is dangerous territory. Has Kris found out something about Joonmyun he shouldn’t have? 

“Do you and Jongin…know each other?” 

A pit drops to somewhere in the bottom of Joonmyun’s stomach, and suddenly, the ticking of the clock gets louder in Joonmyun’s ears, as does the sound of his heartbeat. Badump, badump, badump. “Why are you asking?” 

“I don’t know. It’s just that he’s come only for a few days and he’s already noticing things about you I’ve never thought about,” Kris replies. “He asked me if you had anger issues. Do you?” 

Joonmyun’s not sure if he can breathe a sigh of relief just yet. “Maybe he’s never had a superior who gets angry as easily as me. He’ll get used to it after a while.” 

“That’s not the answer to my question.” 

Kris’s eyes are steady on him. The type of gaze Joonmyun finds himself hating more than anything else, because it means full attention and more than enough chances for him to feel exposed. 

“No,” Joonmyun says promptly. “I don’t.” But he has a lot of stress, and anxiety that results from that stress, and then anger that falls on top of it all. Joonmyun is a whole load of problems, and even if he made an attempt to explain his life to Kris, he wouldn’t know where to start. 

“After knowing you this many years, I still feel like we’re strangers sometimes,” Kris says. “I know some of your habits, but I don’t know anything about your personal life. Whether you’re dating someone, how your family’s doing, what you’re feeling half the time. It wouldn’t hurt to tell me about these kind of things, Joonmyun.” 

He looks like he thinks it’s his fault he doesn’t know Joonmyun any better, and Joonmyun wants to reach out and pat his shoulder because no one should ever blame themselves for not knowing him well enough. Not when he’s the one that declines invitations to most get togethers, avoids revealing (or outright lies about) his whereabouts, and ends a conversation if it’s on the verge of making him feel too much. Like now. Right now is a good example. 

“If that’s all you had to say, I’ll be leaving.” He should have left the coffee in the lounge. 

He sits on the first step of the stairs, takes a sip of coffee and winces; it’s lukewarm. 

 

 

Somehow, Joonmyun manages to put himself back together. He feels a lot more at ease on Tuesdays and Thursdays since those are the days that Jongin doesn’t come to work. Kyungsoo comes every day, unfortunately. 

Kyungsoo glares at Joonmyun like he’s done terrible things even though it’s apparent they haven’t met before this project. Maybe they took the same train or happened to be eating at the same restaurant…but Joonmyun doesn’t do things to offend anyone in public. The only grudges he thinks are held over him are the ones where he yells at staff or actors in front of the rest of the production crew. He’s never done that to Kyungsoo. Not yet, at least. 

Joonmyun feels distressed when people look as if they know him a lot better than they should. It’s worse than being stripped naked and bare, because even then he would still have his thoughts kept private and to himself. Kyungsoo looks at him as if his secrets are pasted across his forehead and emotions written all over his skin in ink. 

Baekhyun is a comfort to him tonight (and a distraction from the disturbing behavior of Kyungsoo), since their schedules have been clashing lately and Joonmyun desperately misses the warmth of someone holding him.

In between nose nuzzling, Baekhyun asks, “Anything new?” His hand threads through Joonmyun’s hair gently. 

“Let’s just stay like this for a while. Is that okay?” Joonmyun says, avoiding answering the question. It’d be a lot easier to tell someone just how choked and wrung out he feels on the inside (the words are ready on his tongue anyways) but he knows it’s better for him in the long run to keep his life clean cut, each part to its own. 

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Baekhyun agrees, sensing Joonmyun’s anxious tone. “We can talk about it later if you want. Or never, for that matter.” 

Joonmyun’s kisses start becoming too eager for him to keep on talking. Baekhyun pulls away and starts nibbling on the other man’s neck. “Should I leave a hickey?” he asks, and grins wolfishly as Joonmyun growls in protest. 

“I will cut off your ball sack if you do,” Joonmyun’s voice comes out husky, so he doesn’t sound very convincing. 

“Well then your favorite sex friend would be unable to have sexy times with you,” Baekhyun sticks out his tongue, and Joonmyun takes it as an invitation for another round of kisses. 

 

 

“You’re still here,” Baekhyun says incredulously as Joonmyun gets up to put on the change of clothes he’d brought yesterday. Usually Joonmyun leaves right after lulling him into sleep, no matter how late at night (or early in the morning) it is. 

“Is that a problem?” Joonmyun asks, pausing in the middle of buttoning his shirt, and Baekhyun shakes his head with a sigh. 

“You’d make a nice boyfriend, you know.” 

Joonmyun is stuck between telling him not to say stuff like that and asking why. He chooses the latter, because he’s genuinely curious. “What makes you think that?” 

“Just a hunch. You’re handsome, funny, not a dick even for someone who creeps around at night to look for bedmates.” 

Joonmyun laughs at the last part. “I’ll take that as a compliment, thanks.” 

“Also, your name is guardian angel, and I believe you would live up to it,” Baekhyun makes a thumbs up at Joonmyun, making him laugh again. 

Joonmyun gathers his things and shoves them inside his duffel bag. “Bye Baekhyun.” 

“Do you…” Joonmyun stops at the door, still holding onto his cell phone and wallet. 

“What is it?” he asks. Turning around, he watches Baekhyun try to reword his question because the sight of him smiling at Joonmyun is like a shining light in the midst of Joonmyun’s chaotic life. If his life was a little less complicated, maybe they’d be lovers. Maybe they would go on dates in broad daylight where people might notice them, like a trip to the amusement park or movies. Joonmyun would have someone to kiss every evening and every morning, someone that massaged the worry out of his shoulders and sucked the sadness out of his soul. But Joonmyun’s life is complicated, and he and Baekhyun don’t love each other. 

“It’s nothing. Be safe,” Baekhyun finally says, giving a tiny wave. He has beautiful hands. Always has. 

Joonmyun shrugs and leaves, but he feels like he’s missed something important. 

 

 

“Cut, cut, cut,” Joonmyun hears from across the field. It’s the film director, Siwon, who’s shaking his head faster than anyone else he’s ever met. “That wasn’t quite the emotion I was looking for. It’s a little too much.” 

The lead actress’s performance is a lot better these days. She doesn’t forget her lines as often and she’s always been patient to start with, so Kris and the others don’t have a hard time with her when giving her feedback. 

A gust of wind blows through, making Joonmyun rub at his arms regretfully. He should have brought a jacket. 

“Cold?” Jongin asks, and points at himself. “I have two, so you can wear one of them if you’d like.” 

Joonmyun stares at the fleece. It’s a tempting offer, but he doesn’t want to say yes. 

Jongin doesn’t really give him a chance to answer because he takes off his jacket and starts putting it on for Joonmyun. When Joonmyun finally reacts, he lightly pushes Jongin’s hands away, tucking his arms into the sleeves himself. The zipper gets stuck though, and then Jongin’s hands are on him again to zip it up all the way to Joonmyun’s neck, which Joonmyun thinks looks absolutely silly. 

As if he sees through Joonmyun’s displeased expression, Jongin says, “No time to worry about looking stupid when you’re cold.” He smiles, and Joonmyun’s cheeks feel like they’re on fire. 

When Jongin runs off with his camera and is just a speck in the distance, Joonmyun pulls on the hood and sniffs at it along with the sleeves. Jongin’s scent is either very mild cologne or laundry detergent, but whatever it is, it’s also mixed with the smell of heavy cigarette smoke. He smiles to himself secretively. 

Joonmyun returns the jacket hours later, after filming has been completed and clean up of the set has finished. He’s in the middle of smelling the hood again when Jongin walks in and asks coolly, “Joonmyun-ssi?” 

He freezes and then drops the hood. Once he notices where Jongin’s gaze is directed towards, he quickly takes off the jacket and folds it into a square before handing it back to Jongin. 

“You’re still compulsive about having everything being neat,” Jongin says, tucking the jacket under his arm. 

Joonmyun gets up abruptly, and the chair he’s sitting on makes a loud scraping noise across the floor as he heads towards the door. Jongin’s voice is what stops him. “Why do you keep doing this?” 

“What?” 

Jongin’s eyes are indignant. “Avoiding me. You keep…aren’t we going to talk about the past?” He even drops the formal tone to his voice. 

It is hard for Joonmyun to breathe, because the past is not something he’d like revisit. Ever. Jongin is a part of that past he’d like to take and stomp down into nothing more than torn bits of paper to throw away, but Jongin is standing here, asking him if they’re going to talk about it. The box in Joonmyun rattles angrily, the contents inside of it trying to break free from their prison. 

“Like…” Jongin swallows. Joonmyun can see his Adam’s apple bob up and down. “Why you broke up with me. You never explained anything and just took off to college. Why you’ve changed so much. You up and changed into a totally different person. A stranger.” 

The urge of throwing up is back. Joonmyun tells himself that he’s in control on a regular basis, but Jongin’s presence is a clear indicator that he’s not. He’s spent the last eight years hammering, hiding, biting down on memories that he doesn’t want revived, and Jongin merely showing up at his workplace is enough to shatter his composure. He’s so far from being okay, and he’s a lot closer to being out of control than in. 

“No, let’s not talk about it,” Joonmyun says, shakily, backing away as Jongin reaches for his arm.

“Are you really going to be like this?” 

“I am a stranger to you. Just think of it that way,” Joonmyun says, and he realizes his legs are trembling. He’s spent so much time and effort building a sea wall that folds in at the slightest push from salty waves. Jongin turns his stone barriers to paper with only a touch. “Don’t come closer!” 

Jongin’s footsteps cease. “I deserve to know. It’s only fair.” 

“Life isn’t fair, and just because you deserve something doesn’t always mean you get it,” Joonmyun replies, bitterness starting to grow in his lips and spreading across his mouth, leaving his tongue with a metallic taste. It’s an emotion he doesn’t usually reveal, amongst jealousy and other petty thoughts. 

Jongin looks angry, and Joonmyun feels a surge of satisfaction well up inside his chest. Unlike Jongin, he’s used to injustices being thrown in his face left and right and having to accept them, so it’s only fair that Jongin gets a taste of what it’s like to be him. It’s only fair. 

“You know, Sehun said you were a hardworking and good person. He compliments you all the time, yet I don’t see what he sees in you at all,” Jongin says, fingers curling around Joonmyun’s wrist. 

What makes Joonmyun even more irritated than Jongin touching him is the fact that Jongin is touching him carefully, as if he cares whether Joonmyun’s hurt or not, as though Joonmyun’s a doll that can break at even the softest touch. He shakes Jongin off. “There’s a lot of things you won’t ever see in me, Jongin, because I won’t let you.” 

Joonmyun is soon met with a rush of cold air as he storms out the main entrance of the building. His eyes start to burn, but he forces the feeling of wanting to cry back down and thinks about other things. But everything makes him want to scream and shout at the world for putting the odds against him, because he’s just one person and one person can only hold out by themselves for so long. 

The looks on his parents’ faces when they realized their son was not the son they had hoped to raise, the sharp taunts and whispered remarks fellow students made when they’d found out Joonmyun was more than just the smooth class president of their grade, and the pure look of disappointment and heartbreak Jongin had given him when they broke up. No one had bothered to ask him if he was okay. Everyone assumed Kim Joonmyun was a stone pillar that would never fall, no matter how many sticks and stones you threw at him. But they were wrong. Joonmyun remembers all of his worst memories no matter how tightly he keeps them twisted up and stored in a dark corner of his heart. He’s tormented by them every day. 

 

 

Jongin comes home later than usual that night, and Kyungsoo’s splayed out on the couch, having fallen asleep while reading a novel. The pages have somehow flattened and folded in the wrong places across his chest. Jongin takes the book and puts a place marker in it, then sets it on the coffee table so the spine won’t be damaged. “You’re back?” Kyungsoo rubs his eyes, scratching his stomach. “There’s dinner on the table.” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“Kim Jongin, eat your proper meals or I will beat your ass.” 

“You can’t even beat me in an arm wrestling match –” Jongin doesn’t get to finish his sentence and squeals as Kyungsoo leaps off of the couch. “No but really, I don’t have any appetite.” 

“Did you get to talk to the asshole?” Kyungsoo asks, pushing Jongin in the direction of the kitchen so he can clean up the leftovers and put them in the fridge. 

Jongin whips around. “Don’t call him that!”

“But both you and I, and a whole lot of other people can probably agree that he is a pretty big douchebag,” Kyungsoo argues, leaving Jongin unable to say anything back. “You’re in denial. That guy sounds nothing like the guy you dated in high school. Time has finally unleashed his true personality onto the rest of the world.” 

“…He shakes.” 

“What does that have to do with anything?” 

Jongin rubs at his neck. “I grabbed onto his arm while we were talking, and he was shaking. He hasn’t changed, Kyungsoo. He used to tremble exactly the same way whenever he was disturbed back then. Even if he doesn’t want me anymore, I’ll still get him to talk to me. I’ll find out what went wrong all those years before.”

“Still sounds like a dickhead to me. What kind of a boyfriend just dumps you and then never talks to you again during or after college? It’s like he wanted to erase you from his life.” 

“Don’t say that!” Jongin slams the plastic container on the table. “You know how much I’ve wanted to see him all this time. Don’t say shit like that.” 

Kyungsoo puts his hands up defensively. “It’s called being realistic. Did you know you were going to work for this guy’s film?” 

Jongin nods. “It’s partially the reason I agreed to work for them. I heard Sehun mention his name, and then I asked for his profile, and it was him. It really was him.” 

“Do you know? That guy never shows a real smile, or laughs,” Kyungsoo says, sounding puzzled. “The only smiles he bothers to put on his face are the ones he uses for group meetings and when he’s persuading the actors to redo a scene, and even those aren’t genuine. His smile is faker than my third aunt’s boobs, okay?” 

Ignoring the comment about Kyungsoo’s distant relative, Jongin says, “If he’s really smiling, it’s not that obvious. His mouth is small, so you don’t really notice if anything changes with his lips until his eyes get smaller, into this crescent shape. You know?” 

“You are a professional stalker, aren’t you?” 

Jongin laughs. “Only for two years. Then I quit.” 

 

 

When Jongin comes out from his bedroom later to dump out his ashtray, Kyungsoo nags. He’s been nagging for years but it’s not like Jongin ever listens. “I told you to stop smoking. You already know how toxic that stuff is for your health, we all learned about it in biology when we were forced to take it in high school.” 

“It’s not like I can help it. It relieves stress,” Jongin likes the no-see, no-hear, no-speak policy best. He can successfully distract himself whenever he’s under huge pressure, while deftly ignoring the fact that his lungs are probably turning black and suffocating to death. 

“There’s electronic ones, or lollipops. Toothpicks. God damn it, Jongin! I don’t want you to be in the hospital thirty years earlier than you should be,” Kyungsoo chucks a pillow at Jongin and he watches his friend dodge it with little effort. 

Jongin knows Kyungsoo cares, and he wants to quit too, but it’s hard when smoking is a habit he can’t break even though it’s hurting him. A cigarette is the first thing he wants to get his hands on after work, more than anything else. He craves the act, the stench, it’s impossible to explain. He decides to settle for a compromise. “I’ll quit when I climb over this mountain and get Joonmyun to talk to me again. I promise.” 

Kyungsoo is skeptical, but he gives Jongin the benefit of the doubt. “I’m counting on you, Kim Jongin.” 

 

 

For once, Joonmyun won’t be lying if he says he’s visiting his parents. Cause he is. He’s visiting them to make the family dinner a complete one. 

His father looks tired, even more tired than the last time Joonmyun saw him, with a few sections of hair that have turned from a silky black into a greying white. Cheekbones sunken and wrinkles as apparent as ever, the only thing that remains the same about the old man is his proud stature. 

“How is your movie going? When it’s going to be finished?” 

“It will be completed within a year, I think,” Joonmyun says. The steak on his plate looks bigger than the entire portion of food Luhan gives him in a meal. He stabs at it unconvincingly, earning a disapproving noise from his mother. 

His mother’s aged, too. Even if she puts on makeup and claims that it does wonders with her skin, Joonmyun isn’t blind. He can see the worry etched throughout her forehead as she watches him eat and talk, and tries to analyze everything Joonmyun says beyond point of recognition. Her arms quiver when she leans over to serve food to Joonmyun’s brother and his wife, and she makes an expression every few minutes that Joonmyun knows is the sign of an unrelenting headache. Joonmyun thinks twice about details other people are too preoccupied to even notice. 

“Are you dating anyone?” Joonmyun’s mother asks. Of course she would ask. He’s surprised she doesn’t call him every day to ask him that when it’s all she cares about. 

“…No, I’ve been too busy with work,” Joonmyun responds, chewing his bite of steak rather reluctantly. He’d rather have fish, or the meatballs covered in sweet rice that Kris makes for him sometimes. Anything but expensive meat that doesn’t taste good to begin with. 

“I’m sure you can find some time in your busy schedule to meet a girl,” she prods, gently. “I’d like to see more grandchildren soon.” 

Joonmyun stares at his nephew sitting across from him in a high chair. The infant stares at him innocently, eyes already large and bright, just like his father. Joonmyun’s never going to have a child to bring home to his mother no matter how long she waits for him to. 

“It takes a long time to meet someone amazing you want to spend the rest of your life with. Consider Joonkyung one of the luckier ones,” Joonmyun directs a radiant smile at his brother and sister-in-law. This is another part of him, the cheerful, praising, bubbly Joonmyun that appears whenever he needs to persuade his family that everything is fine. He is normal. A normal man who likes women and just hasn’t met one that he wants to marry yet. 

It’s a bunch of bullshit, but his family drinks his honey covered lies like they haven’t seen water in ages. 

 

 

When his parents heard the “truth” during Joonmyun’s senior year in high school, they didn’t react like Joonmyun thought they would. 

Understanding. Accepting. Supportive. They’d been none of these things, far from it. Instead, they were ruthless in cracking down the so called discipline they thought would turn him back into the Joonmyun they knew, they wanted. “Are you insane?” Joonmyun’s father asked. “Gay? I didn’t spend money to feed you and clothe you and get you through school just to have you become gay all of a sudden, Joonmyun. Don’t joke around.” 

Joonmyun was stunned. “But I’m not joking…” 

The look on his father’s face felt like ice that had been sitting on his skin for too long and started to burn. Turning towards his mother, Joonmyun saw no inkling of compassion there either, only a pale face with round black eyes staring at him in disbelief. He had made a grave mistake. 

“Joonmyun-ah, you’re not gay. You can’t be gay. Our child that we raised…won’t grow up to be like that, right?” she asked. She sounded hollow, and her voice was haunting, as if she was a toy that had been wound up too many times to stop playing its music. 

His silence made them realize that he wasn’t playing around, and Joonmyun’s mother was the first to react, breaking down into tears as she covered her face with her hands. Her back was stooped, curved so harshly because she was crying into her knees, and Joonmyun thought to himself that he should have touched it one last time when he had the chance, before he went and ruined everything. 

His father remained unmoving in the armchair, hands turned white from gripping the handles so hard. “Are you dating anyone?” he asked. It was a slow and cautious question that Joonmyun dared not answer truthfully. 

“No,” he said, even as Jongin came to mind. 

“Then there isn’t a problem, is there? You’re just confused since you don’t meet a lot of girls in your school. It’s a phase.” 

The last word hit Joonmyun like a blow to his stomach, a blunt accusation of his supposed foolishness, and his entire body shook with anger. “It’s not a phase!” 

“In this house it is,” his father replied. “If you keep insisting on being like this, I’ll disown you and cut off your college expenses.” 

Joonmyun wanted to take a bar and break everything in this house. This household that he’d grown up in since childhood and always called “home” was no longer the place for someone like him. 

There was a brief moment when Joonmyun thought back to the time he was in sixth grade and had come home to his mother making his favorite bean cake. “Here, I just finished!” she said, cutting off a piece and stuffing it into Joonmyun’s open mouth, smiling after Joonmyun chewed diligently and told her it tasted delicious. 

“Joonmyun, don’t do this to us.” Joonmyun was pulled back into the present as his mother stopped crying enough to speak a few words. “All I ever wanted for you was to get married, get a nice job, and have children. Live a normal life.” 

He stayed silent, and watched his mother cry a little longer before returning to his bedroom. 

Joonmyun shut himself in after that. He followed all of his parents’ wishes except for one; he decided to study in a film program instead of engineering. It’d be weird if he even followed that hope of theirs, he’d been fighting and fighting for permission for years and suddenly giving that dream up would have made them suspicious.

He felt empty inside, like a house that’d been abandoned for years but still kept pretty on the outside, with a mowed lawn and trimmed rosebushes. A corpse that could still walk around, and talk, and pretend it was breathing. 

The night before his first day of college, his father had come in his room, saying, “Joonmyun-ah.” 

It was supposed to sound affectionate, but Joonmyun was tempted to turn the volume in his earphones higher. He didn’t, and turned around to face his father. “What is it?” 

“Do you still think you’re gay?” 

“No,” Joonmyun said, and smiled sweetly. “I guess it was just a phase after all.” 

The proud smile on his father’s face made Joonmyun want to break things again.


	2. Chapter 2

Joonmyun expected to be a little more happy in college, but alas, he felt the same. The people were the same, the suffocating pressure to be like everyone else (but better at the same time) was the same, and his parents called him often, wondering what he was doing and where. Joonmyun made friends, but it wasn’t the same as Jongin. Nothing could replace the warmth or kindness of Jongin. 

He thought he could get used to this, until a vicious rumor of him liking boys spread like wildfire through the dorms of both boys and girls. Information never travelled this fast, and suddenly Joonmyun felt like he was in high school all over again. But unlike high school, this rumor had a weak base, if any, and only a persistent flame that took an eternity to be extinguished. 

It wasn’t long before Joonmyun’s newly made friends isolated him from their friend groups, claiming that it was a coincidence when Joonmyun asked why all of them were busy all the time. Joonmyun hadn’t asked out of genuine curiosity; he knew what was going on because he’d experienced it before, and he had simply called to hear the voices on the other lines hesitate and shake in uneasiness. This was probably the beginning of a Joonmyun who liked to bring out others’ weaknesses, exploit them and then throw them back when he was tired of playing and wreaking havoc. 

By the time Joonmyun and Luhan met, the rumors had died down and even if they hadn’t, Luhan wouldn’t have known since he lived in an apartment near the university and not inside the college dorms. 

Luhan was one of the volunteers sitting out in the library when Joonmyun came to a tutoring session for his Calculus class. “Hi, I’m here to look for a tutor, if there are any available?” 

“You’re in the right place, buddy!” the brunette spread his arms out. “I’m Luhan. What’s your name and what do you need help with?” 

“I’m Joonmyun. Uh, calculus,” Joonmyun responded, and Luhan started flipping through papers that were stapled together at the corner. 

“Well, there’s not that many open calculus tutors except for me, so I guess I’ll be helping you out then. You okay with that?” Luhan asked, taking the pen behind his ear and clicking it open. 

Joonmyun hadn’t seen someone smile at him so unreservedly in a long time, and he smiled back. “Yeah. That’s okay.” 

 

 

“It would be a lot better if there was a close up of her eyes in this shot, and then his. And then a pull away, an angle from a distance,” Siwon raises an eyebrow. “What do you think, Joonmyun?” 

“How about hands? Or feet? Those don’t show up on the screen often, but they’re a clear indicator of what’s going on,” Joonmyun suggests, taking a look at the editted video Siwon’s skimming through. 

“And what about this part? Anything to add, you think?” 

“I don’t think there’s enough impact at this moment,” Joonmyun says, pausing the video. “Here? When the two actors kiss. Everything about it is awkward, from the pose to the angle. Re-do this section.” He definitely doesn’t remember watching this scene being filmed. He was probably sneaking in an extra coffee in the lounge when no one had the energy to chastise him for drinking so much of it. 

“Okay. Okay,” Siwon agrees. “I wonder why no one pointed that out. You have such a good eye.” Joonmyun denies it, says that it’s only the basics before Jongin comes up behind him and interrupts. 

“Joonmyun-ssi always has a good eye,” Jongin says, smiling at Joonmyun innocently. He tacks on the honorific only in front of other people, and Joonmyun never knows whether he is unnerved or annoyed by this action. Most likely both. 

He sidesteps away from Jongin, who gives him an (obviously) pseudo-clueless look and steps towards him so that they’re the same distance apart again. Joonmyun’s going to lose his sanity. 

Jongin is cool, controlled, a nice guy. He’s everything Joonmyun fakes out to be, only real. And he’s a lot of things Joonmyun doesn’t come close to being. Like having patience with no ulterior motives. Jongin waits for Joonmyun after work or before dinner just to have what he proposes is a conversation, smiling and asking yet more questions when Joonmyun ignores the previous ones. Joonmyun wouldn’t be surprised if Jongin had a list of questions he memorizes just to torture him. 

Spewing out an excuse about having to organize papers, Joonmyun manages to get away from Jongin (because Siwon wants Jongin to look over the composition of the shots too), and enters the lounge, where Sehun is talking to the makeup artists and stylists. 

“Jongin must really love you,” Sehun makes a melodramatic sigh like a teenage girl after finishing his talk with the staff. “For you to never be around the lounge drinking your hardcore coffee anymore.” 

Jongin spends so much time trying to get Joonmyun’s attention that everyone around them notices (and sometimes suffers as a result). Kris and Sehun nearly have no time to talk to Joonmyun during breaks since Jongin carts him off to different places, like to get the mail or look over the photos he took. 

“He makes me bring it with me,” Joonmyun explains, scribbling loudly across the sheet that holds the filming schedule for today. Miraculously they’re not behind it, and Joonmyun has never felt this confident about any project he’s been a contributor to, let alone in charge of. “But no. He’s just bored.” 

“The way he looks at you…” 

Joonmyun pauses. “What about it?” He can’t panic. He won’t panic. Just blow it off, Joonmyun, let it pass. 

“He looks at you differently than he looks at Kyungsoo, or any of us. I can’t tell what it is about him, but when he joined, it felt like he belonged here, you know? That doesn’t typically happen with the people we hire,” Sehun says, popping his gum. “You should join us for dinner together more often, Joonmyunnie hyung. Kris makes some really delicious food.”

Joonmyun told himself he wouldn’t panic, but the fear weighing down on his shoulders seems to have lifted again. Sehun doesn’t know anything; he’s perceptive, but still young and off the bull’s eye at times. He won’t figure it out as long as Joonmyun keeps his mouth shut. 

“There’s always too many people at his place,” Joonmyun grumbles, “I’d rather eat by myself.” He doesn’t see the fun in eating with a bunch of people whose conversation he has no interest in holding. 

“The more people, the merrier!” is Sehun’s logic, and Joonmyun shrugs when the younger boy suggests for them to have dinner together today. 

He says, in the process of deciding whether to agree or decline going, “I still need to review the film.” 

“Oh yes, because reviewing the film is totally more urgent than a dinner with your coworkers slash friends, while going to get the mail with Jongin is alright even though you’re having your coffee,” Sehun rolls his eyes. “Real good excuse. If we disturbed you in the past while you were having coffee, we would have ended up in the hospital –” 

“You make me sound like such a violent superior,” Joonmyun says, chuckling with insincere amusement just as someone comes in and overhears Sehun’s statement. The woman bows briefly before tearing it out of there in a hurry. 

“Ah ah ah, I didn’t finish,” Sehun wags his finger. He shouldn’t be wagging his finger at someone older than him, but Joonmyun lets it slide. “I meant, we would have ended up in the hospital from deafness and trauma with your shouting at us to bring you good news for once.”

“Don’t you think your cheek has been over the top lately?” Joonmyun says, glaring, and his tone has Sehun skittering out of his chair and answering the elder with a See you later, hyung! 

 

 

Joonmyun had not been expecting Jongin to tag along with the group for dinner. It’s a bad idea for him to have agreed, but Sehun’s request has him feeling slightly guilty for always avoiding the company’s gatherings. “You’re eating with us today?” Jongin asks, speaking closer to Joonmyun’s ear since the chatter of the others is too loud. 

The hairs on the back of Joonmyun’s neck stand on end as he tries to focus on the food in front of him and not so much Jongin’s voice right next to his sensitive spot. There’s a time and place for feelings like this, but a Korean barbecue with coworkers watching is not it. Especially not when Jongin has the upper hand in everything he does. 

The topic amongst the group has somehow shifted to dating, and Joonmyun’s trying to drown out the noise with his own chewing. The lettuce here is not fresh at all. 

“So Joonmyun,” Siwon points with his chopsticks, clearly drunk off his rockers already. “Do you have a girlfriend?” 

Joonmyun stiffens. Everyone’s eyes are on him. He has to speak before the pause gets too long and their interest heightens. “No, I don’t.” He’s afraid to look at Jongin. 

“Isn’t that weird? When hyung’s so handsome?” Sehun hiccups, and covers his mouth. Joonmyun narrows his eyes at the younger, but Sehun is paying no attention to him since he’s intoxicated too. Is he even old enough to drink yet? Not that Joonmyun can ever remember how old Sehun is. 

“What about you, Jongin?” Siwon burbles, leaning on Kris’s shoulder. “You’re so good looking, don’t women fall all over your feet?” 

Joonmyun glances at Jongin, finding that Jongin’s eyes are on him. “I’m not so interested in girls,” he says quietly, but then adds in a much louder voice, “I’m too busy to date much,” after Siwon barks that he can’t hear Jongin from so far away. 

There’s an itch inside Joonmyun that he doesn’t think will go away even if he manages to scratch it. He gets up and grabs his cell phone, slipping it into his pocket as he heads for the restrooms. “I’ll be back, maybe,” he mutters to no one in particular. 

Jongin watches Joonmyun leave. There is a slump in the way Joonmyun walks, different from when he’s at work and aware of eyes that are on him. This is the Joonmyun Jongin wants to see more of, the puzzle he has to pick apart and put back together again. 

 

 

Joonmyun splashes cold water on his face in the bathroom. He pats his face dry with a paper towel, and tosses it in the trash can. Before he leaves the restaurant, he glances around the corner at the table, watching the production crew laugh and toast loudly every time they refill their drinks. They’re better off without him. 

The heat collecting in his chest should be a good thing with the weather being this cold, but Joonmyun is not most people and the realization that he still wants to kiss Jongin makes his heart burn with dread. “You were wrong, Baekhyun. Time has intensified every emotion I’ve ever felt towards him,” Joonmyun says to himself, stopping on the edge of the sidewalk to watch the lights in the streets glisten brightly. He rubs his hands together to keep warm. 

Just a few more blocks before he reaches the red light district. “I should have taken a god damn taxi.” 

 

 

a. “Jongin-ah,” Joonmyun said, gripping onto Jongin’s hand tightly. Judging by the tone of his voice and how hard he was trying to memorize the texture of Jongin’s skin across his knuckles, Joonmyun was probably going to say something Jongin didn’t want to hear. 

“Let’s break up.” 

Jongin sort of expected it. He leaned in to kiss Joonmyun. Was this the last time he was going to taste Joonmyun’s lips? Grab onto his hair? Wrap arms around his thin frame? 

“That’s enough,” Joonmyun pulled away, tears filling his eyes. No, it’s not enough, nowhere near enough, Jongin wanted to say. Even ten more, a hundred kisses wouldn’t be enough for him to break up with Joonmyun willingly. Jongin wanted to ask so many questions, but there were a lot of things about Joonmyun he didn’t know and he wasn’t sure if Joonmyun would tell him anyways. “Don’t make it harder for me,” Joonmyun said, wretchedly. 

Jongin had to know at least one thing. Joonmyun’s tears didn’t make sense when he was the one that was ending their relationship. “Do you love me?” Jongin asked. They had never said the words to each other. Came close, but never the real thing. 

He almost wanted to tell Joonmyun to lie to him, in case the truth hurt more. He didn’t, and waited. 

“No.” 

Joonmyun took Jongin’s heart along with him as he walked away, and Jongin cried because his heart was bleeding its contents out after being split apart, with nothing to help stitch it back up. 

 

b. Joonmyun wished this situation was light enough for him to laugh. Jongin was wearing his dumb shirt with the wolf that he thought made him look hipster. It was Joonmyun’s least favorite article of clothing that Jongin owned, but he wondered why he was thinking about something so trivial when he was already used to Jongin’s spontaneous fashion choices. “Jongin-ah…Let’s break up.” 

Jongin didn’t say anything, and Joonmyun knew how much it was hurting from the look on his face. He was glad that Jongin didn’t ask why. At least then he wouldn’t have to explain his reasons, because hearing them would have just made Jongin hate him even more than he did right now. 

Jongin had dated girls before Joonmyun. Two or three at the most, but Jongin was definitely not into boys the way Joonmyun was. Dating Jongin had been something that was only ever real in Joonmyun’s dreams, and he confessed on a spur of the moment, a fleeting whim, thinking that Jongin would be disgusted and never come near him again.

It’d taken Joonmyun weeks before the reality of Jongin accepting his feelings finally sunk in. There was something surreal about sustaining an unrequited love for over five years and then having it reciprocated when you least expected it. 

From the way Jongin was kissing him, he seemed unwilling to let go of Joonmyun, and that just made it harder for Joonmyun to walk away. “That’s enough.” Jongin’s face is blurred through Joonmyun’s vision as his eyes become filled with tears. There was a question lingering on Jongin’s lips, but he stayed silent, eyes dark and unforgiving. 

“Do you love me?”

Would you forgive me if I said yes and still left you? Joonmyun wanted to say. Of course he loved Jongin. Would he be crying this hard over someone he didn’t care about? 

“No.” 

It was a selfish question because it made Joonmyun want to take back his words and tell Jongin that he loved him more than anything, anyone else on Earth. 

Instead, he got up and walked away, praising himself on making the right choice. Without Joonmyun to weigh him down, Jongin would lead a normal life. He wouldn’t be made fun of, he wouldn’t be the target of society’s crushing scrutiny like Joonmyun had been. Jongin would be happier this way. 

Joonmyun’s face was dry by the time he got to his house. He had no urge to cry in a place that wasn’t home, where his parents worried over his choices and interrogated him over every curt facial expression he made. Jongin was home, and Joonmyun’s lost him too. 

 

 

“Here alone?” a man asks, plopping himself down in the seat next to Joonmyun. “What’s your name, handsome?” 

He’s one of the brutally straightforward ones, Joonmyun thinks as he hums in response, admiring the man’s bone structure. He wonders cynically if it’s real, but even if it isn't, he wouldn’t mind having him for a night. 

A hand snatches Joonmyun’s alcohol before it has the chance to reach his lips, and he looks up into familiar eyes. “Uh…” 

Jongin is furious, though he contains it between a monotone voice and quivering lips. “How much did that drink cost you?” 

The bartender pipes up. “6000 won for that one.” 

Joonmyun doesn’t have time to get compulsive over how crumpled Jongin’s bills are before he’s being pulled out of his seat and into the cold night air again. 

“What the fuck are you doing? Did you follow me?” Joonmyun says, trying to shake off Jongin’s firm grip on his biceps. “Let go!” He’s actually terrified because this is the first time Jongin has handled him so roughly and that probably means he’s really in for it. 

“You’re the worst,” Jongin spits at him, and anger flares up inside Joonmyun instantly. His choice of lifestyle isn’t something for Jongin to judge when he knows nothing about Joonmyun, how much he’s suffered to get to this brittle shell of himself today. More anger courses through Joonmyun’s veins when he realizes that he wouldn’t be angry over Jongin’s words if they had no effect on him in the first place. 

“You don’t know anything about me,” Joonmyun says, pushing at Jongin’s chest. He loses his balance, and Jongin’s angry expression turns to panic as Joonmyun falls backwards. 

Jongin’s hands leave burns on Joonmyun’s waist as Joonmyun scrambles to be the one controlling his own standing ability, managing not to fall this time. 

“Are you okay?” 

Joonmyun is sheepish, because here they were having an argument and now Jongin’s asking if he’s okay. Of course he isn’t. Jongin has always asked questions with obvious answers. 

 

 

“So,” Jongin pours water into a glass of water and sets it down in front of Joonmyun. “why don’t we start from the beginning?” 

They’ve rented a room for the night at a rather obscure hotel that Joonmyun assures Jongin is perfectly safe. Jongin doesn’t like the fact that Joonmyun seems to know his way around this district because it makes him wonder just how Joonmyun’s been spending his nights, at least the ones he doesn’t overwork himself to exhaustion in. 

“I’m leaving after I finish this cup of water,” Joonmyun says, but Jongin pays no heed to his warning. 

“Do you go there regularly?” 

Joonmyun shrugs. He thinks his body has grown accustomed to wanting to throw up 24/7, now that Jongin is always hanging around him. “I haven’t been there in a while. I usually have people I call up, and uh –“ that’s more information than Jongin probably needs, so he stops. 

He realizes that Jongin has the upper hand in this situation, since he’s the one with all the weak points. He does have the authority to fire Jongin from the current project, but that means explaining to everyone else why – and that’s really not the way he wants to go. 

Jongin seems to realize this handy little fact around the same time as Joonmyun. “Does anyone know about you?” 

If he says yes, Jongin could casually mention it around the company in conversation, and then it’d be the end of him. If he says no, Jongin can proceed to blackmail him, but that would mean keeping at least half of his secrets safe. “No one knows,” Joonmyun admits. 

“Then you’ll date me right? So that I don’t go around the company blabbering about things they shouldn’t know. Or if you don’t mind them knowing, you can reject me.” Jongin smiles like the options he’s offering are gold, but Joonmyun wants to choose choice C; strangle Jongin. Then he won’t have to do anything against his will just to make sure no one will ever find out about the old him. 

But there’s something in Jongin’s smile that makes Joonmyun tread on what he knows could be very, very deep water. Or quicksand. “Even if I rejected you, you would still keep my sexuality a secret,” he says, as if it’s almost a question.

Bingo! is written across Jongin’s face as he crosses his arms. “Well that ended quickly. You’re right, I wouldn’t be able to do that to you, Joonmyun,” he answers, smiling. He says it with so little effort, so nonchalantly, like nothing is on the line if he gives up the secrets in him.

Joonmyun’s composure breaks, tears, and collapses. “That’s what I hate about you!” he says through gritted teeth. 

Jongin is a nice person. He’s honest about everything, from his feelings to what he’s thinking to what he’s planning to do. And Joonmyun hates it, because unlike Jongin, he can’t lay out all his heart for others to see. He’s a coward, and a manic liar who bluffs half his way through life.

Jongin looks confused. 

“How can you just…admit that? Now you can’t threaten me anymore. Your honesty irritates me to no end. It sickens me,” Joonmyun says, his hands clenching into fists. 

“Lying doesn’t help anyone. It hurts you more than anyone else, even more than the person you’re lying to.” Jongin stretches out his hand to pat Joonmyun’s head. He’s gentle in everything he touches, and if Joonmyun was as honest as Jongin, he’d let himself melt in Jongin’s arms. 

He unclenches his hands, adrenaline pulsing through his body. 

There is no hiding from Jongin, when he sees through Joonmyun as if he’s made from glass, and pinpoints his qualities where it hurts the most. And what’s worse? He’s not doing it on purpose. 

Jongin is not Joonmyun. He does not hurt other people, twist their words, take their weaknesses and use it against them for his own benefit. But Joonmyun does, because life has shaped him into an expert at perceiving people and he uses that skill to his advantage whenever the occasion arises. 

Jongin would be ruined if someone like Joonmyun touched him. It would be like what happens when water is contaminated with black, the once clear transparency of the waters swirling with the dark to make a hazy grey. 

And for one second, Joonmyun gives himself permission not to care. Let him have one day where he makes bad decisions, decisions that he’ll groan over tomorrow morning. He stands up on tiptoe, arms sneaking in between Jongin’s as he crashes their lips together. Jongin doesn’t move at first, too stunned by Joonmyun’s action to respond, but then his mouth is reacting positively to Joonmyun and his hands move to rest on Joonmyun’s neck like it’s where they’ve always belonged. 

Reality comes crashing down on Joonmyun sooner than he would like and causes him to pull away from Jongin, mumbling an apology (it could be directed to Jongin or everyone else, maybe even himself, he’s not sure) that sounds wrong coming out of his mouth. The air is thick around his head as he realizes what he’s done, and the suffocating tension he’s broken and replaced with a heavier one. He feels relief, and regret, and fear clenched into a ball of horror. Jongin looks like he’s been slapped across the face. 

Jongin’s existence serves as a reminder that Joonmyun is ugly from the inside out. He has ulterior motives for everything, a personality that’s split in too many ways to count, and an ugly heart that can’t openly love anyone, let alone a woman. To say that he’s a monster compared to Jongin is simply, and easily, an understatement. 

But Joonmyun never meant for his feelings to last this long, over a man he barely knows and hasn’t seen in years. 

Jongin asks, “Do you love me? Did you ever?” 

Joonmyun doesn’t let himself answer. 

 

 

“Why does the atmosphere around here seem so bad?” Sehun asks, adjusting his beanie as he comes into the room. 

Kris whacks him on the shoulder lightly, and makes a face while sliding his hand across his neck, as if his throat’s being slit. “He hasn’t been responding to anything I say, and I’ve been here for an hour already. If we bother him anymore, someone really might end up in the hospital from blown out eardrums.”

Joonmyun is sitting at his usual spot, but his steaming coffee has been left untouched ever since he set it down. 

“What happened?” 

“It’s funny how you expect me to know,” Kris snorts when he realizes that Sehun’s asking the question to him specifically. “It’d be weirder if anyone knew what was going on.” 

Jongin walks in, dressed in his usual attire consisting of a nice shirt and beige pants, but he’s wearing sunglasses just like Joonmyun. 

“Good morning,” he says, and his voice cracks. 

“Were both of them –” Sehun yelps as Kris jabs him in the ribs. “You know not to jab me there. It hurts!” 

Kris makes short head turns that somehow get the message across, because Sehun shuts up and excuses himself to go carry the equipment for when they start filming. Kris also excuses himself because he needs to go up to the office and retrieve extra supplies in case of any filming accidents today. 

Jongin sits across from Joonmyun at the table. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I think I gave you a lot of stress for you to shout at me like that.” Truthfully, he’s not sorry, (more like so happy he’s trembling and couldn’t sleep last night) because Joonmyun finally opened up to him, even if it was in the form of distorted insults and angry kisses. 

“Don’t mix work with personal matters. It’s working hours now,” Joonmyun says, making a few strokes across the magazine article he’s reading with a highlighter. “Don’t you have a job to do?” 

“Just give me ten minutes before my work starts.” 

Joonmyun glances up. He sacrifices the business attitude for a second. “You’re going to go as far as tormenting me at work too?” 

Jongin smiles. “Just for ten minutes. Did you sleep at all after getting home?” 

“Did you?” Joonmyun asks, hoping it’s enough to shut Jongin up. 

“I didn’t.” That honesty again. Joonmyun’s stomach flips upside down and then ties itself in a bow. Jongin continues, “Don’t feel burdened when I come near you at work, okay? I’m not ever going to bring up stuff that will hurt you, not at least until after 8 PM. That’s okay right? Since 8 o’clock is when my job ends.” 

“This is harassment,” Joonmyun says testily, his eyes almost boring holes into the magazine, he’s staring at it so hard. The words blur into one huge block of text as he loses focus in his vision and Jongin’s laughter rings through his ears. 

“Is it?” Jongin asks it in a tone that makes it seem like he’s expecting a genuine answer. 

Joonmyun sighs. 

 

 

The entire company is aflutter with high spirits and good cheer when Kris announces that he’s getting married. The moment he says it, Joonmyun gets a feeling all over his body he wishes he could scrape off of his skin, because Kris has never smiled with this much delight and he doesn’t feel the same. 

Jongin approaches from behind to give Joonmyun a small squeeze on the shoulder. Joonmyun tries to ignore the gesture of support, but how can he, with Jongin smiling and talking to him constantly and invading his space until even his thoughts are plagued by the man? The uncontrollable urge to kiss him leaves Joonmyun feeling frustrated all the time, especially since Jongin keeps a close watch on him, even after work hours are over. 

“Would you like to go for a drink with me?” Jongin asks over Joonmyun’s shoulder as the producer locks the entrance to the company. 

“It’s alright, you can go drink on your own.” Joonmyun does not do alcohol, or any other substance that will affect his ability to control his speech or prevent him from keeping his thoughts under wraps. For business meetings, he occasionally drinks out of politeness, but Jongin is not his superior and he can see the hopeful expression on Jongin’s face that maybe he’ll get Joonmyun drunk enough to “talk about his feelings.” 

As if. 

“I’ll treat you,” Jongin offers, adjusting to Joonmyun’s speed of walking. His long legs easily keep up while Joonmyun is getting tired of his own pace already. 

“No thanks,” Joonmyun waves his hand. “I don’t drink.” 

“If you’re going to lie, at least be more convincing,” Jongin says, raising his voice in irritation. “I saw you drinking at that bar.” 

Correction; Joonmyun doesn’t drink unless he’s alone or in the company of a complete stranger. Drinking with Jongin, however, means most likely breaking cups and more screaming and Jongin figuring out that Joonmyun has never moved on past their break up, even after immersing himself in making movies and giving his parents false hope about his love life, tricking them into believing he’s not really into boys at all. Suppressing his emotions has been done out of convenience, but Jongin is a ticking time bomb and Joonmyun thinks that Jongin is the only thing that can make his heart explode. 

“I’m tired. Let’s talk another day. I’ll talk about whatever you want then.” How many times has Joonmyun said words like these? To potential dates and his parents and everyone else. That he’d meet them a second time, that he was dating a girl but it hadn’t worked out, and so much more. Joonmyun has made a million empty promises in the hopes that they’ll stop asking. 

He soon realizes that Jongin isn’t like them, because Jongin never stops asking. 

“What makes it so hard for you to open up to other people?” Jongin asks suddenly, and Joonmyun wants to scream at him. He never wants to be looked at the way he was in high school and college again. What he wants is for society to pass by him without a second glance, to look at him and say, Yes, this is just another citizen in our community living a good life that we don’t need to inspect. Acceptance. Normality. These kinds of things. He wants happiness too, but it can be sacrificed as long as the people around him are convinced that he is. 

“People. It’s people who make me unable to warm up to them. I don’t want to understand them and they don’t need to understand me,” Joonmyun says, about to break. There’s a light flickering in Jongin’s eyes that looks like he finally gets it, and Joonmyun tells him good night before walking away. 

Joonmyun wraps the scarf around his neck tighter. Jongin hasn’t followed him, and he’s thankful that Jongin’s considerate on a minimal level, at least. “A safe distance. No closer.” 

As long as he’s alone, as long as Jongin doesn’t press him for information that hurts him just to think about, Joonmyun will be okay. He’ll keep the box inside of him shut and locked, so that nothing, not even the raw feelings towards Jongin he’s most afraid of, can wound him and make him feel so much ever again. 

 

 

When Joonmyun comes home, he doesn’t bother turning on the lights, too tired to check his emails or watch the news. It’s pretty early considering his normal bedtime, but he washes his face, brushes his teeth, and performs the rest of his night routine before he gets under the covers to sleep. In the darkness, the only sound is the steady tick-tocking of the clock and his own uneven breathing as he lets himself miss the familiar trace of smoke surrounding Jongin and his smiling face. 

 

 

Kris’s wife is boyish, but pretty all the same. Her name is Amber, and her eyes contain an elfish humor even when she’s not trying to be funny that makes it easy to understand why Kris fell in love with her. “You’re Joonmyun, right? I’m so glad you made time to come today,” she says, holding a wine glass precariously in her hand. Kris is standing next to her, having spoken little compared to his wife, but the smile on his face grows exponentially whenever his eyes land on her. His hand is below hers, ready to catch the glass of wine in case she drops it. 

“Yeah, we met a few times in the past at group outings,” Joonmyun says. “Congratulations. I wish you two lots of happiness together.”

“Thank you so much,” Amber grins, and Joonmyun smiles back, then lets it drop off his face when she starts a conversation with Sehun and Siwon. 

“The face you make when you’re not talking to anyone is really scary, you know that?” Jongin teases. He looks even better than usual, his face clean shaven and polka dotted bow tie adjusted perfectly straight. Joonmyun is tempted to splash his sparkling apple cider on Jongin’s chest just so he can relieve himself of his sexual frustrations. 

“Then don’t look at it,” Joonmyun retorts, turning away. 

Jongin is back, this time on the left side of Joonmyun as he says, “But you look nice today, Joonmyun. You’re extremely handsome in a suit.” 

It’s hard for Joonmyun to tell whether he wants to strangle Jongin or kiss him. Decisions, decisions. “Thank you, you too,” he replies. Jongin should not be allowed near him when there’s other people around. No, scratch that, Jongin shouldn’t be allowed near him at all, not when he’s dressed like a million bucks and smiling at Joonmyun like he’s the only person in the world. Joonmyun hates that part of Jongin, too, the way he fawns over Joonmyun all the time and takes care of him without his consent. Nothing Joonmyun says seems to be vicious enough to send Jongin running, and with every serious conversation they have, Jongin only stores it away and pretends nothing’s happened the next day. He’ll have something interesting prepared to tell Joonmyun later, either some random tidbit he found off the Internet or a comment about the movie Joonmyun can’t ignore. 

Mostly Joonmyun remains reticent towards Jongin, since he’s struggling half the time not to just give in to Jongin’s declarations of love and invitations to spend yet more time together. He also thinks it’s a miracle how Jongin doesn’t get sick of talking to someone who’s so determined not to reply. 

Jongin beams, and Joonmyun really, really, really wants to go home so he doesn’t have to look at this radiant, brighter-than-the-sun thing anymore. 

 

 

“Hey,” Joonmyun hears. He turns around to see Amber waving at him. 

“Are you looking for Kris?” 

She shakes her head. “Nah, I left him to talk with his buddies.” 

“Ah,” Joonmyun nods, “you and him make a really good couple.” 

“You know what’s funny?” Amber says, “Everyone’s said that to me today, but you’re one of the few who really meant it. You’re surprisingly honest.” 

Joonmyun nearly chokes on his own spit. Him, honest? Out of all people? Amber is even farther from the bull’s eye than Sehun, and that’s driving a point home. 

“You and that guy…what’s his name? Jongin. You look good together,” she says. 

“W-What?” Joonmyun stutters. It’s not true, but how does she know? “We’re not dating.” 

Amber’s looking at him carefully, as if any miswording on her part could make him break. She probably could. “Was I…wrong?” 

The fact that someone who barely knows him can guess correctly at something he tries so hard to conceal makes him scared as to what Kris and Sehun think of him. What the people at the company really think of him. What strangers see when he passes by them on the streets. 

Joonmyun snaps out of his trance. “Yes. You were; we’re not dating. Jongin’s just a colleague of mine. I-I’m not…” he struggles to finish. 

“I’m sorry to have made assumptions about you,” Amber is quick to apologize. “But please don’t think it was my intention to attack and isolate you, I was just wondering since you two looked affectionate with each other. Me and Kris are very open about these things, so if something similar comes up, we’ll always support you. Okay?” 

Her eyes show that she’s eager to understand, even if she doesn’t know what she’s diving into. Joonmyun wishes he could have met someone like her earlier in his life. He’d probably be a lot better off now if the people in his school had been as compassionate as Amber. 

Joonmyun swallows and looks down. Jongin is walking towards them, and when he’s close enough, he calls out, “Amber, Kris is looking for you!” 

“Oh okay. Well, I gotta go. I’ll see you around, Joonmyun!” Amber says, nodding to Jongin before she heads in the direction she needs to go.

“What were you guys talking about so seriously?” Jongin puts his hand on Joonmyun’s shoulder. 

“Nothing important,” Joonmyun replies, and shrugs Jongin’s hand off. 

 

 

Joonmyun takes out a photo of Jongin and him during senior year. This was the time before they started dating, and his arm is thrown over Jongin’s shoulder, making him look out of place since Jongin is the taller one and so Joonmyun has to stand on tiptoe just to reach behind his neck. 

He looks through the box some more, hoping to find more photographs with them together, but it’s done in a sort of false hope because he knows he burned almost everything related to Jongin when they broke up. He remembers regretting it only a week after tossing out the sooty ashes, having come back to the box in desperation and finding nothing besides that one photo. As a way to forget what was missing, he’d shoved a whole bunch of miscellaneous things in there: some of his favorite books, prized essays, and music albums he collected over the years. 

Folding the cardboard flaps back in the right order, Joonmyun slides the box back into his shelf, and then puts the books that are supposed to be in front of it back into place. One day he’ll stop wavering and throw it out for real. 

 

 

Kyungsoo corners Joonmyun in the middle of their break with a deadly look in his eyes that makes Joonmyun want to crawl in a hole and stay there. For good. He keeps a nonchalant face for good measure, though. 

It’s a Tuesday so Jongin isn’t here, and later Joonmyun reasons that it’s exactly because of this Kyungsoo chose today to approach him (or more accurately, corner him in his office after locking the door and glaring at him murderously). 

“Can I, uh, help you?” Joonmyun asks, hands pausing on his keyboard. He stands up once Kyungsoo comes closer, and closes his laptop. 

“It’s about Jongin, and it’s going to take more than one sentence. You okay with that?” Kyungsoo snaps. 

Fuck. 

“Why don’t we sit down over there then,” Joonmyun suggests, and points to the couch in front of his working desk. 

He brews some tea for Kyungsoo, but both of them know Kyungsoo isn’t going to drink it. Joonmyun’s face whitens considerably when he tries to put it down on the table because he’s shaking so badly that it hits the surface with a jittering clink. 

From what he can see at work, Kyungsoo is just as honest as Jongin, only in a brutal and merciless way that Jongin can’t come close to executing. By now it’s clear that Kyungsoo knows a lot more than he lets on, and he’s decided to confront Joonmyun about it once and for all. 

Joonmyun is afraid, very afraid. He keeps his hands placed on top of his knees so they don’t shake as much. 

“I’m going to get to the point so I don’t waste your time,” Kyungsoo starts off. “I don’t really understand why Jongin has such a huge attachment to you after all the shit you’ve put him through, but you’re the only thing that could make him happy and I’d like you to realize that.

Jongin went through a lot after you left him. He started smoking and drinking, and even ended up in the hospital a couple of times. The doctors said if he kept this behavior up, he was going to die at the age of thirty-five. He’s twenty six, Joonmyun-ssi, but you already know that. The drinking until he collapses has stopped, but he still smokes frequently, and he only recently stopped visiting his therapist. He’d been going through sessions for years.” 

Joonmyun is stunned, but he forces himself not to let it show and his gasp dies on his tongue. 

“Right, I know. You don’t need to feel too guilty because you were actually only about seventy percent to blame.” Kyungsoo is good at reading people well too, it seems. And his sarcasm is more lethal than humorous. “He was having family issues, and losing the one supporting pillar in his life made him topple over. As a friend, it was hard for me to watch. 

It’s hard to tell, right? Jongin’s personality is one of those where he smiles more to cover up his emotions. You could say his smiles are proportional to his sadness at times. He’s sensitive, probably even more than you, even if he doesn’t show it. He seems like he’s okay all the time, but sometimes he breaks. You’ve never seen him break before, have you?” 

Joonmyun hasn’t. Jongin has always been indestructible, or rather, put up a front pretending he was. 

“I’m not asking you to take responsibility for him, or date him out of pity. Just don’t drag things out. Explain to him your reasons for breaking up and let him see that you weren’t a heartless bastard that toyed with him, cause I doubt you were one at the age of eighteen. And if you love him, tell him. If you don’t, tell him too. Be honest. I’m tired of watching him ruin his own health because he can’t move on from someone like you. That’s all I wanted to say,” Kyungsoo says, and stands up to go. 

Joonmyun can feel the bile on the back of his throat. “Did you think telling me this would change anything?” 

Kyungsoo narrows his eyes. “What are you –” 

“Do you think that it was easy for me? I wanted to die too. I wanted to kill myself because people looked at me differently. They looked at me like I was a monster, or something even worse than garbage in the sewers.” Joonmyun is sputtering out more than he should, because Kyungsoo is merely here to help out his friend and not to listen to Joonmyun’s side of the story, but the words are tumbling out of his mouth as though he’s throwing up what he hasn’t been able to admit all these years. “I lost my friends, my family, and I lost me. I can’t talk to anyone about anything because no one understands. Telling the truth never made anything better and only brought more problems for me. How can you just come in here and expect me to be honest when I’ve had to force myself my whole life not to?!” 

Kyungsoo’s expression doesn’t change. “Then why don’t you start with Jongin?” 

The door closes softly with a click, and Joonmyun buries his face in his hands.


	3. Chapter 3

In the beginning, Joonmyun has a hard time believing that Kyungsoo’s story is true, but he does start to gradually notice it, the long settled fatigue in Jongin’s frame and the disquiet layered under his serious eyes.

When he thinks Joonmyun’s too busy to notice, Jongin stares at him, whether it’s during filming or coffee breaks or group dinners. Jongin pokes at his personal space and regularly asks if he’s wearing enough, if he’s cold, if he wants more food, what he did over the weekend. 

Joonmyun thinks that he is not as perceptive as he believed, because he’d never have thought Jongin was holding a past like this based on the way he acted towards everyone. Admired by many and approached by several, Jongin is the type of person people are apt to assume lead a wonderful life with a rose colored background, everything fitting into place and nothing going wrong for them. 

Joonmyun is overwrought by how wrongly he’s judged Jongin. 

He was not the only one suffering. He was not the only one. 

 

 

The burden on Joonmyun’s head grows heavier, even more so whenever Jongin smiles or laughs in his presence with a kind of carefree quality that makes it hard for Joonmyun to bring serious topics up. He wonders how Jongin ended up so…happy looking, and he ended up a bitter man with nothing but hate tying him to the past. 

He only plans on saying sorry, and maintaining some levels of a friendship, though he won’t reveal the full truth. If he does, Jongin will know he’s still in love with him, and then things would get sticky. It’s unrealistic for him to picture having a relationship with Jongin, and he would only be able to handle it on the condition that they dated in secret. But dating in secret would be difficult, when Jongin works at the same company and on the same project, and smiles at Joonmyun like he’s sunshine and his source of fuel. 

Kyungsoo is surprisingly unaffected after his talk with Joonmyun and the producer’s outburst. The attitude in which he regards Joonmyun stays the same, and if anything has changed, it would be the icy distance between them becoming a little shorter. 

Kris looks a lot happier after getting married. His parents had been opposed to him and Amber being engaged, but he’d done it against their will with no regrets. Joonmyun wishes he had that kind of courage. 

“Joonmyun.” 

“What?” Joonmyun looks up at Kris, who has a handful of canned drinks in his large hands. 

“Can you pass these out to the others?” 

“Uh sure,” Joonmyun agrees, taking the drinks from the blonde. Kris still doesn’t look like he’s gotten used to how cooperative Joonmyun’s been these past few days. 

“You okay lately?” 

Joonmyun raises an eyebrow at him, and leaves the room without replying. 

Kris nods to himself in reassurance. “Still the same.”

Kyungsoo and Jongin are checking out the photos they’ve taken today when Joonmyun passes by with the drinks in his hands. He assumes they won’t look back to see who it is, but they do, and Joonmyun turns abruptly as if he were planning on heading in their direction anyways. “Here you go,” he says, passing out a drink to both of them. “Thanks for your hard work.” 

Both of them bow and say something similar in return. 

Joonmyun is about to turn around so he can give out more beverages, but he stops when Jongin says, “Joonmyun-ssi.” 

“Yes?” he glances momentarily at Kyungsoo, who’s back to reviewing the photos on the computer. “What is it?” 

Jongin steps closer, and Joonmyun’s breath hitches. “Do you have anything to do after 6?” he asks, lowering his voice. 

“…Why?” 

“Let’s have dinner together today. Just the two of us,” Jongin says, but he looks like he’s expecting one of Joonmyun’s blunt refusals or silences for an answer. 

Joonmyun wants to see the uncertainty in Jongin’s eyes turn to delight just once. 

So he agrees. 

 

 

They go to a restaurant Jongin suggests, and Joonmyun hopes the flavoring in their dishes isn’t too intense. His appetite is still low key but he wouldn’t feel comfortable telling the servers there to adjust the taste, since he only does that with Luhan. 

Jongin is a natural worrier and has to ask Joonmyun if he likes the food at least four times before he’s convinced that Joonmyun is somewhat telling the truth. “Kris told me you like light stuff, so I chose this place.” 

“Oh. Yeah, thanks.” Joonmyun blows at the noodles to cool them down. It’s just like Jongin to have gone and asked Kris about Joonmyun’s preferences beforehand. 

“Joonmyun.” 

“Mmm?” Joonmyun can’t speak because his mouth is stuffed with noodles and only hums in response. 

“Can we…can we go to my apartment after this?” Jongin asks. “To talk. I wanted to talk to you for a long time. Can’t you promise me at least an explanation? That’s all I want from you.” 

Suddenly the texture of the noodles feels slimy against Joonmyun’s tongue, and he swallows them quickly so he can speak. Friendship. No matter what, he’s going to stay friends with Jongin. The only thing he owes Jongin is an explanation, and it doesn’t have to be the real one. 

“Sure,” he says, smiling while feeling like a whole load of cheat, and ugly, and terrible. He feels worse when Jongin’s face lights up, and he looks so earnest at the news that Joonmyun has willingly agreed to talk.

 

 

“Is Kyungsoo not home?” Joonmyun asks, already feeling antsy in the closed space of Jongin’s apartment. There’s nothing wrong with the size, but everything is related to Jongin in some way (unless it’s Kyungsoo’s) and Joonmyun is being picked at all over by guilt. The stench of smoke is subtle in the living room so Joonmyun guesses that it must be even stronger in Jongin’s bedroom.

“Nope, he’s with his girlfriend,” Jongin says, taking off his coat and hanging it on a chair. He takes Joonmyun’s, as well, and hangs it on another. 

“Oh. I see.” 

Jongin treads to the kitchen, turning on the light and washing his hands before getting a cup and filling it with water for Joonmyun. “Here.” 

Joonmyun remembers the events that had happened after the last time Jongin gave him water, and hopes it won’t happen again, that he’ll keep his emotions and lust under control. Before Jongin asks, he’ll tell him. 

“I broke up with you for a lot of reasons. The kids at school…you know how they were. I couldn’t handle that,” Joonmyun says. That part’s true. 

He’d never been beaten up, never had his lunch stolen. Joonmyun’s thankful for it, but that’s not to say the instantly hushed voices whenever he entered a room were any better, or the suffocating atmosphere of gossiping crowds that weren’t exclusive of teachers. His name was always a whisper on people’s lips, a darkened name on the roster everyone knew about. 

“And I thought, if I couldn’t take it anymore, how could you? I didn’t want you getting the same treatment and being hurt by others’ words.” That part’s a little bit of a lie. 

Jongin had not been affected as much by the bullying as Joonmyun. Since he’d been known for being popular, the student body made assumptions that it was Joonmyun who seduced him and led him down the wrong path. In a way, they were right. Joonmyun had been the one to confess and ask for a relationship. Jongin had simply been kind enough to agree. 

“And my parents were not exactly…supportive of my choices. They didn’t think a child that they raised could turn out to be gay, and truly believed that my sudden change in sexuality was a phase. They still think I’m straight.” Joonmyun is caught by an onrush of tears, and he sucks in a deep breath, surprised at how close he is to crying. “They think I just haven’t met a girl I loved yet. They don’t know that I’m never going to.” 

Jongin notices his uneven gasps for air, but waits for him to keep going. 

This isn’t supposed to happen. He isn’t supposed to cry. He isn’t supposed to talk about this many details. “My father…he said that he wasn’t going to pay for my college fees…that he was going to disown me if I insisted on being homosexual.” 

Jongin’s hand is stroking his hair, and Joonmyun doesn’t have the heart to tell Jongin that it’s greasy and filled with hair mousse. “It’s okay, I’m here. I understand. Don’t cry, Joonmyun.” 

Jongin’s words act as a trigger, and the tears start to fall even harder. There’s more, and more, and more, and Joonmyun has never thought this much water could come out of his eyes. “He smiled at me so h-h-happily when I told him being gay was just a phase,” Joonmyun stutters, pressing into his eye sockets with his fingers. “He was so happy. That his son was normal. But the problem is I’m not! My mom…I think she’s suspicious of me, but I tell her that I’m just too busy at the moment, or there’s someone I’m seeing. I am lying. I am lying through my teeth all the time, and I’ve never going to have a child to bring home to her who will call her Halmoni. I’m never going to be able to tell her I’m getting married, and I won’t raise a family of my own.” 

“Joonmyun…” Jongin’s hand lies on top of Joonmyun’s. It’s warm, and Joonmyun wishes someone else would put him back together for once, instead of him crying in his bathtub in the middle of the night after a long working day and having to pick the shattered pieces of himself back up so he’ll be normal the day after. For now, he’ll let go. He’ll worry about fixing this stupid situation later.

“Even if it was just for a few minutes, I wanted to have you. I wanted to have you to myself, kiss your lips, hold your hand, experience what it felt like to have someone take my breath away. I didn’t mind that you were primarily straight, and I didn’t worry about you leaving me for a girl. It didn’t matter to me. You were all I needed and all I wanted, and –” 

He chokes on his own spit before he can finish the rest of his sentence. “– I loved you, Jongin. So, very, much.”  
Joonmyun is shaking so hard he has to curl into a ball like position for his body to stay still, and Jongin wraps comforting arms around him, murmuring “It’s okay” next to his ear over and over again. It’s the first time since their reunion that Joonmyun has ever called Jongin by his first name, freely. 

“I’m tired of this,” Joonmyun says. “I’m tired of running away from you. Work exhausts me, and a lot of times I don’t think I’m good at my job. There are so many things nobody will know about me, and it’s not their fault. I don’t say anything. I’m so afraid, Jongin.” 

“What are you afraid of?” 

“I’m afraid of being judged for being who I am on the inside.” Joonmyun shudders as his chest heaves a big sigh. “I’m afraid of society. I want to be perfect.” 

Jongin’s lips brush against Joonmyun’s cheek. 

“Why did you –” Joonmyun’s eyes are wide. 

“Why do you have to be perfect in a society that is far from it? Perfection is an illusion. And even if it wasn’t, there is no point for you to be perfect when more than half of society doesn’t give a fuck about you or how great of a person you are,” Jongin says, hands rubbing soothing circles on Joonmyun’s back. 

“Then why does it matter what gender we like? Why is it okay if a girl is into boys, but not when a boy loves a boy?” Joonmyun is still teary-eyed, but the storm has passed and he’s staring at Jongin attentively. 

“Humans fear what they don’t know, and then they go and think they hate it because it’s wrong. But in reality, they just don’t know how to understand.” 

Joonmyun is still breathing hard from the impact of having spoken so much more than he usually does, feeling as though he’s just taken years and years and years of things he’d held back and dumped them all out onto Jongin. And Jongin is like sea foam that swallows everything whole, despite already having poison at the bottom of his ocean floor. 

“Do you need to take a rest? Want me to take you home?” Jongin asks after Joonmyun’s remained silent for five minutes. 

“I can’t take a rest. If I don’t get everything out, I may never speak about it again,” Joonmyun grips onto Jongin’s arms. 

“Would you believe me if I said I loved you?” 

Eyes lock on eyes as Joonmyun stares up in bewilderment and Jongin’s gaze remains frank. “Because I did. Even though I never said it or expressed it that well, I did love you. And I still do. I’m sure you know how I would react if we lost contact again, thanks to Kyungsoo and his meddlesome nature.” 

“How do you –”

Jongin snorts. “He’s been my best friend since college. Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” 

Joonmyun feels relieved; he no longer has to worry about feeling guilty for knowing something Jongin hadn’t meant to tell him. “You’re not…you’re not angry?” 

“No,” Jongin’s voice is rough and soft at the same time, and Joonmyun thinks he could wrap himself in layers and layers with the sound just listening to it. “It’s not like I wanted to hide it from you, so I don’t mind if you know.” 

“But it wasn’t Kyungsoo’s place to tell me in the first place.” 

“True,” Jongin agrees, smiling, “but he understood both of us far better than we understand each other. I would have never told you unless you asked, and you would have never asked.” 

Jongin is on point. Joonmyun isn’t surprised anymore.

“But what would you do if I told you I loved you, and wanted you to be my boyfriend?” 

Joonmyun can imagine it. Holding hands late at night when it’s too dark for many people to see, waking up next to Jongin in the morning and not having to worry about who was hurting more because Jongin would be on the other side of the bed, staring back at him with a sleepy smile. He exhales, and says, “If I was brave and honest and strong enough, I would tell you I loved you too, and that I wasn’t against the idea.”

The pain is visible in Jongin’s face, but he steels himself up for rejection all the same. “I have loved you since nine years ago, Joonmyun, and wished you were mine for eight. It’d be nice if you suddenly became brave and honest and strong right now.” He smiles, his voice cracking, and then suddenly Jongin is the one crying into Joonmyun’s chest. He’s big and awkward against the cashmere of Joonmyun’s sweater because Joonmyun is so much smaller, though Joonmyun is able to reach his hands around Jongin’s back and pat him in time to the rhythm of a silent melody. 

“I’m not afraid of what everyone else thinks,” Jongin says, hot tears running down his face and onto Joonmyun’s neck. His hands are resting on Joonmyun’s hips, and Joonmyun thinks it’s strange how much he feels they belong there. “As long as I have you, I’m okay. I can take on anything, even the whole world.” 

Jongin cries silently, as if the sounds can’t come out of him and only the tears can. “Where are your tissues?” Joonmyun asks, gently unwrapping Jongin’s limbs from his torso so he can go look for a box. 

“There should be one on the table in the next room,” Jongin says, his voice tight in a way that makes it obvious he’s trying to halt the onrush of tears. He lets out a long, frustrated sigh. 

When Joonmyun takes a tissue and wipes at his eyes, Jongin laughs and sneezes twice before he says, “This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to ask you seriously to go out with me, and take it like a boss if you said no. But it’s so, so, so hard to keep my cool around you, Joonmyun, because just when I feel like I can’t love you anymore than I already do, I fall even harder.” 

Jongin is making it harder and harder for Joonmyun to walk away. Just like he had eight years ago. With affection living in his eyes and disappointment lacing through his fingers, Jongin is undoubtedly the only person Joonmyun has ever loved in his twenty six years of life. But fear is Joonmyun’s twin brother, and he has always been responsible for carving the way forward during Joonmyun’s times of quandary while slamming down on any emotion that leaked out of his heart. 

“I can’t promise you forever,” Joonmyun says, slowly. He has dived into the ocean to take out the poison out of its deep waters, and he doesn’t know whether he’ll succeed or die trying. “But I can promise you tomorrow, and the day after that, and maybe a year after that. I won’t hold your hand in public, and if someone asks, I’ll tell them that we’re not in a relationship, that we’re just friends. But when I come home and see you, I’ll kiss you and do whatever you want me to do and hold your hand for as long as you want me to.”

“Joonmyun,” Jongin says, but Joonmyun isn’t finished. 

He continues, “I might break up with you if I feel threatened that people are going to find out, and I’ll deny that anything ever happened between us if it gets that bad. If you’re okay with having that kind of a coward for a boyfriend, then I’m all yours. I’m all yours, Jongin.” 

He’s buried in kisses of happiness as soon as he stops speaking, Jongin having climbed on top of him and grabbed his face so they can get closer. There’s gratitude and relief in these small actions, and Joonmyun’s shoulders no longer ache from carrying a burden only he knew the existence of. 

“Joonmyun, Joonmyun, Joonmyun, I love you,” Jongin breathes, pulling back to look at Joonmyun. 

“You know, it’s a manipulative strategy to use someone’s name every time you talk to them?” Joonmyun says, looking annoyed, but he kisses Jongin back anyway. “You don’t have to say my name that much.” 

“Joonmyun.” It is a small, rebellious whisper and Jongin grins like he’s conquered the world.

“Jongin,” Joonmyun says, and his lips meet Jongin’s again. His chest feels warm, but now he doesn’t have to hold back anymore. 

 

 

Kyungsoo comes back in the morning at around 6 AM to find the two asleep on the couch. Joonmyun’s head is tucked under Jongin’s chin, and Jongin’s legs are resting over Joonmyun’s knees. Kyungsoo wonders how numb their legs must be, considering they were in such an awkward position for the whole night. He notices the tissue box on the ground, which he picks up and puts back on the dining table. “You two…seriously,” he shakes Jongin awake. 

Jongin looks sheepish when he realizes what’s going on, and in turn wakes up Joonmyun by calling his name. 

Joonmyun sits straight up as soon as he’s awake enough to see that Kyungsoo is staring at him with some amusement. “I’ll be g-going!” he says, fleeing towards the doorway where his shoes are located. 

Luckily, Jongin gets to the door before Joonmyun, wedging his body in between his colleague and the doorknob so that Joonmyun can’t leave. “Wait! Don’t you want to eat before you go? Or take a shower?” 

Joonmyun shakes his head frantically, giving Jongin a panicked look that takes turns between him and Kyungsoo. 

Oh. So that’s why. Jongin then asks, “Do you want me to send you home?” 

“It’s okay. I can get home by myself,” Joonmyun’s head is shifting this way and that, like he’s trying to look at anything except what’s in front of him. He freezes when Jongin pecks him on the forehead. 

“Stay safe then, okay?” Jongin warns, opening the door to let Joonmyun leave, and Joonmyun makes some sort of a gurgling noise before walking hurriedly away.

“I feel like I missed something very big,” Kyungsoo says, large eyes growing yet bigger as he threads his fingers together in a fan like motion. “Did I?” 

Jongin smiles at him rather dangerously. “You also ruined something very big. I thought you were staying over at Luna’s?” 

“Oops, I came home a bit too early.” Kyungsoo makes a gesture along the lines of what can I do? and asks, “Want kimchi spaghetti for breakfast?” 

 

 

Joonmyun slides to the floor after his apartment door shuts and beeps in confirmation that it’s locked. There’s a smile on his face and he can’t seem to make it go away no matter what he does. He takes one of the pillows on the couch and giggles into it until he feels disgusted enough with himself to stop. 

After hopping into the shower to wash up, he changes into a pair of grey slacks and black shirt, still grinning uncontrollably at his reflection in the mirror. He’d done it in the past to see which smile was the most successful in guilt tripping people or winning them over to his side, but now he doesn’t have any other reason than Jongin. 

“Did it always feel this good to be myself?” he asks out loud even though it feels a little silly. He can finally breathe, and there’s no urge to throw up when he thinks about Jongin, and it’s like he’s peeled off the skin he was forcing himself to wear for years. 

 

 

Luhan is the first to mention the change in Joonmyun. “You finished your food even though I gave you a lot this time,” Luhan remarks, peering into the bowl to see what kind of magic Joonmyun has performed to have it be empty. “And you look a lot less restrained. Work going well?” 

“You could say that,” Joonmyun answers. He’s getting through the difficulties of work with small bits of eye contact and breath taking smiles from Jongin whenever they pass close enough to each other. Jongin doesn’t overstep Joonmyun’s comfort zones, and keeps the bolder interactions to a minimum until they’re only in each other’s company. 

Luhan clearly doesn’t like Joonmyun’s vague answers, though he’s had to accept them for years now. “Or is there someone you’re seeing?” 

Joonmyun smiles and slides his money across the counter. “Bye Luhan.” 

 

 

Joonmyun has to pretend to wear the old layer of himself around other people to keep suspicion from arising, but it’s far less suffocating compared to before, where he put on a mask for so long it became a part of him. He supposes he’s still lying in another form. Joonmyun’s okay with that; he has Jongin waiting for him after work to look forward to, and other things like watching movies together or just talking with their hands touching until it’s much too late and Joonmyun has to get back home. 

Jongin somehow becomes possessed enough to dye his hair blonde, and Joonmyun has no problem with the color itself, more with the suddenly increasing popularity of Jongin amongst the company and general public (even though his popularity was already through the roof before). 

“You sure are getting a lot of numbers lately,” Joonmyun remarks dryly when Jongin takes out a pocketful of slips in assorted colors to throw away. “How many did you get today? Ten?” 

“Are you jealous?” Jongin asks, beckoning Joonmyun towards him. “I’ll give you a kiss.” 

Joonmyun ignores Jongin’s gesture and stays where he’s sitting. It’s not like he has the right to be angry, since their relationship is supposed to be a secret anyway. He’ll just have to endure. “I’m not. Why don’t you take a shower? You look tired.” 

“Yeah, but you’re here. If I take a shower I get to see you less,” Jongin whines, and Joonmyun thinks he’s going to fall in love all over again. 

“I’ll count how many minutes it takes for you to take a shower, and then stay that much longer after. Deal?” 

Photographer Jongin and at home Jongin look very different. His hair, for one thing, is styled up a lot of the time for a more professional look, but at home it’s a fluffy mop of pale blonde that makes Jongin resemble a sheepdog. He’s extremely sensitive when Joonmyun laughs at him straight out of the shower. “This is also another one of the reasons I didn’t want you to see me after I take a shower,” he gripes, rubbing his hair dry with a towel. “You’re still laughing!” 

“Sorry,” Joonmyun manages to breathe out between his fits, “You really are so different outside and inside, Jongin.” 

“Everyone is,” Jongin retorts, and he leans close to Joonmyun. “But your feelings towards me are always the same. Right?”

Joonmyun squeals when Jongin attacks him to get a kiss, wet hair and all. “Hey! Go blow dry your hair, for God’s sake. Kim Jongin!” 

 

 

Joonmyun finds out soon enough that he’s not the only one who gets jealous, and that Jongin’s even worse than he is about controlling his displeasure. 

It’s a Thursday, so Joonmyun took the opportunity and planned to meet up with Baekhyun to give him updates and officially end their sexual relations. It was one of the rules they agreed on, so he has to follow through. 

He doesn’t prepare for Jongin showing up and asking where he’s going after work. “I’m meeting a friend,” Joonmyun answers, waving good bye to the others as he walks out. 

“What friend is this?” Jongin asks, following him. If it was really just a friend, Joonmyun would be telling him the name, and he’s not, so.... 

“Baekhyun.” 

“Who’s he?” 

Joonmyun turns around, arms crossed. “No one you need to know about. I’m just going for dinner with him. You can’t come.” 

“Is he one of those unsavory characters you used to meet up with?” Jongin tugs at Joonmyun’s sleeve. 

“You’re being too obvious!” Joonmyun pulls Jongin into the privacy of a small alley where they can talk in more detail with fewer eyes on them. “Yes, he is. I’ve known him for a long time, so don’t worry.” 

Jongin does not look like he wants to let go of Joonmyun anytime soon, but Joonmyun pushes him back out into the main street’s sidewalk and Jongin forces himself to be mature about this. He fails. “No cheating on me. You can’t, okay?” Jongin mouths, pointing at Joonmyun accusingly even as he gets further and further away. 

 

 

Baekhyun reacts the way a good friend would, though there is an unmistakable bitterness tugging at the corners of his lips that Joonmyun wishes he could shake off seeing without any guilt. “I’m glad to hear that. You’re happy, right?” 

“I am, for once,” Joonmyun replies. “I really am.” Jongin makes him feel as though he can finally breathe in a world that’s filled with water to the brim, and he never wants to drown again. 

Baekhyun’s smile is lopsided throughout the whole dinner, like one part of him wants to smile and the other wants to frown, but Joonmyun doesn’t ask. If Baekhyun doesn’t mention it, Joonmyun shouldn’t bring it up and hurt him even more. 

Joonmyun’s questions are sort of answered at the end, when they’re saying goodbye to each other and Baekhyun asks for a favor. “Is it okay…if I kiss you one last time?” 

It’s hard to say no, so Joonmyun agrees. 

Baekhyun’s lips brush against his cheek, and then he’s gone, waving as if nothing ever happened between them. 

Joonmyun touches his cheek. He can still feel the anguish lingering from Baekhyun’s lips. 

 

 

Secrets are hard to keep. It reminds Joonmyun of when he was little and forced the door closed against an outraged Joonkyung after a wild goose chase around the house. He hadn’t been able to hold his brother off for long, and Joonkyung had barged into the room the moment Joonmyun’s grip loosened against the door. 

Joonmyun’s fingers on both of his hands are not enough to count the number of times he’s come a fingernail away from breaking up with Jongin. He’s not as paranoid as before, but he still trembles in the company of people who threaten his privacy or joke about his closeness with Jongin. 

Jongin has a hard time understanding why Joonmyun is so scared of people knowing, though he never pushes Joonmyun to go public with their relationship. “We’re in a younger generation, Joonmyun,” he says when Joonmyun starts panicking again. “People are becoming more accepting.” 

“It makes me feel sick when people look at me differently. I feel like they’re trying to read more into my words, and actions. Everything changed when people in my college found out – not even that, heard rumors about me liking boys. They didn’t even know if it was true, but I lost so many friends and respect for something that I can’t control.” 

“You’re no longer in a school, Joonmyun,” Jongin says, softly, smoothly. “You won’t be forced to spend hours in a place you don’t like, with people who don’t know you. Your decisions are yours, and whoever doesn’t respect them shouldn’t be a part of your life anyways.” 

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Joonmyun says, and he means it. “I know it’s hard for you.” 

“It is,” Jongin admits, leaning forward to wrap his arms around Joonmyun’s stomach. Joonmyun is the perfect size for him to hold. “I feel like a balloon that’s going to burst. I want to shout and tell the whole world that you’re mine and I’m yours.” 

“But I won’t do that,” he adds when Joonmyun is silent for a while. “Unless you’re okay with it. You know I won’t.” 

Joonmyun laughs a feathery laugh, the kind that makes Jongin’s insides twist because Joonmyun only laughs like that when he’s pretending that he’s fine, but he’s actually not. “I want to be okay with it. Sometimes I think I am, but then fear gets the better of me, and I’m not ready to tell the others anymore.” 

Jongin exhales into Joonmyun’s hair. “Then we’ll stay the way we are now.” 

“I wish we were the only ones in the world,” Joonmyun says, even though he knows it’s a silly wish because what type of world would they live in then? “I could hold your hand all the time, and kiss you, and we’d laugh at dumb movies. Or maybe just become invisible. But that’s not a great idea either.” 

Jongin hums. 

“You’re going to get sick of me,” Joonmyun says quietly, hands resting on top of Jongin’s. “You’re going to leave eventually. You can’t show me to your friends and say, ‘this is my girlfriend and I’m going to marry her.’ I’m not a nice girl, but a man.” A man who runs away from everything and lies in order to pretend he’s in control. 

“If I still wanted you after you broke up with me like that, and we didn’t see each other for eight years, do you honestly think I could get sick of you? It’ll be at least another twenty years before that happens,” Jongin says, and shifts his hands so his and Joonmyun’s fingers are weaved in between each other. “Besides, aren’t you the one that said you can only promise me tomorrow but not forever? Don’t you think that’s unfair to me?” 

Joonmyun laughs, and this time Jongin’s insides don’t twist because it is the sound of relief. 

 

 

From the first time they met until now, Joonmyun’s always loved Jongin, but it takes him a lot longer to accept the idea of admitting that fact to other people. He’s more open now, and although his dry humor is still intact, he isn’t so keen on hiding his sexuality anymore because he sees that it hurts Jongin whenever he has to say he isn’t dating anyone. 

Joonmyun is hurt, too, when Jongin avoids exposing their relationship, but not as much as Jongin, since he’s been keeping secrets for his whole life and he’s used to it. 

He tells Jongin one day that he’s okay with revealing their relationship, and Jongin is beyond ecstatic even though he has always been fine with Joonmyun’s decisions. He also nods with ever growing enthusiasm at the condition they only do it after production of the movie has been finished, only stopping when Joonmyun puts a steadying hand on his head. 

“Does it really make you that happy?” Joonmyun asks after the smile hasn’t left Jongin’s face for twenty minutes straight. He’s even singing and twirling around in the kitchen as he tries to cook up something with the limited ingredients in Joonmyun’s fridge. 

“Yes, it does. It really, really, really, really does. I think I could swim the entire Pacific right now.” 

“You wouldn’t even make it to the mile mark,” Joonmyun says sourly, turning away to look at his phone (and to hide the stupid blush that appears whenever Jongin’s happy about something related to him). 

“Let a man dream, okay?” 

 

 

The only thing left holding Joonmyun back is his parents. 

He hasn’t attended family dinners in a while, due to busy schedules and the underlying tension of his “constant bad luck with women.” That excuse has been used too many times to count, and he thinks his mother has already, sort of…well, caught on. 

It’s in her voice and the words she says. “Joonmyun, bring home a friend sometime,” or “Joonmyun, why do you always come alone?” In the past few calls she hasn’t asked if Joonmyun’s dating anyone, only asked about work and his health. 

She’s asking again whether he’s met any new friends, and Joonmyun decides to take the risk and jump. “I have,” he gulps, then wonders if it was loud enough for his mother to hear on the other side of the phone. “His name is Jongin.” He doubts his mother still remembers Jongin from high school, because even before he came out to his parents, he hadn’t spoken much about his school classmates. 

His mother doesn’t reply, and Joonmyun almost thinks she’s either hung up accidentally or on purpose, but the call is still in session when he checks the screen. “…Will you bring him to dinner on Sunday then?” she asks. 

A million different scenarios flash through Joonmyun’s mind, and the one that sticks is the one where Joonmyun’s father will lose his temper and have an ugly, hateful tantrum in front of everyone while his mother would stay silent. He doesn’t want Jongin to be exposed to what he had to go through eight years ago, but to live his entire life without his parents’ blessings…Joonmyun doesn’t want that either. 

“Maybe. If he has time,” Joonmyun says, and his mother sighs. 

“Your father has a business meeting and he’ll be home late on Friday. If you want to, you and your friend can also come for a meal then.” 

It’s a blatant sign that his mother knows, and Joonmyun doesn’t know whether he feels more at ease or more panicked. 

“I – okay, I’ll think about it.” He wishes her goodnight before hanging up.

 

 

“Coffee, coffee, coffee,” Joonmyun mumbles under his breath, tapping his foot impatiently as he watches Siwon try to explain to the lead actress how to improve her acting for a particular scene. It’s warm out, and Joonmyun’s glad that the harsh temperatures of winter are gone. 

“Joonmyunnie hyung,” Sehun says. “We’re having problems. The residents around here are complaining that the shooting is too loud and disturbs them.” 

Joonmyun runs a hand through his hair. “Even though we already talked to them and warned them about it? What else do they want?” 

Sehun looks positively distressed, so Joonmyun tells him not to answer that. “I’ll go take care of it,” he says, and walks to where there’s a group of people waiting. 

He surveys the small crowd, noting that it’s mostly middle aged to old people with disgruntled expressions. “Hello, I am the producer for this film. We’re terribly sorry about the noise but it’ll only be a while longer.” 

A low series of grumbling ensues, and Joonmyun asks, “Is there something I can do to make conditions better?” 

“How about you stop filming here?!” 

“Yeah, find some other neighborhood!” 

Joonmyun flashes his smile, solely intended for calming angry mobs and persuading the stingiest of all people. After this he’s going to gather up all the disposable chopsticks he can and snap them, one for every idiot in this crowd. “I’m afraid we can’t do that since we’ve already paid the money to be filming here. If you would all like to contribute to the costs to film somewhere else, I’ll be glad to move the company’s location.” 

It quiets down, and Joonmyun thanks the heavens that today’s crowd is less persistent. Usually it’s much worse than this, the protesters hanging around for longer than they need to, but Joonmyun is tired and he doesn’t have the patience for ignorant people. Joonmyun apologizes several times for the inconvenience until the gathering of people dissipates, and he gets to sigh in relief.

He scooches up next to Kris, who’s making gestures with his entire body at the actors and actresses, and would have smacked Joonmyun right in the face had he not deftly moved out of the target range. “Oh, Joonmyun! Sorry about that.” 

“It’s quite alright,” Joonmyun takes another step to the right for safety measures, having decided that Kris’s hands could probably kill someone through suffocation, they’re so big. Kris had once mentioned that his hands were unfit to use his phone properly and he would hit multiple keys more often than not while typing. Joonmyun had laughed at that time, but now he understands that Kris wasn’t joking. 

When the time allows for it, Kris goes touching along subjects that should be kept outside of work, but Joonmyun doesn’t really mind enough to nag. “You’re…different from usual,” Kris says, pinching his chin in thought. “You’re a lot less snappy with everyone. Did something good happen to you recently?” 

“Am I?” Joonmyun rubs the side of his neck. “Not really.” 

“Me too, me too,” Sehun says loudly, appearing out of nowhere. “Why has hyung been in such a good mood lately? And even though he drinks less coffee, he has the same amount of energy. And he doesn’t threaten to kill all of us anymore.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joonmyun’s toe hits the most sensitive part of Sehun’s shin and he smiles as the younger cries out in pain. “And maybe I stopped threatening you because I’m planning your murder for real.” 

Kyungsoo approaches too, and Jongin isn’t with him. After a careful scan of 360°, Joonmyun finds Jongin in the distance, moving around occasionally to change the angle of his camera. 

“What’s going on?” Kyungsoo asks, but the look in his eyes suggests he knows exactly what’s going on. 

“Doesn’t he look happier now?” Kris says, “His eyebrows aren’t furrowed anymore, and he smiles unconsciously. It’s a little creepy, but I do like how much more patience he has with us.” 

“But he won’t tell us anything,” Sehun adds, rubbing his shins tenderly. Joonmyun is glad to see his coworker hasn’t recovered from his kick yet. “Can’t you make him?” 

Kyungsoo smiles at Joonmyun, and it reminds Joonmyun of the smile Luhan had directed at him when they first met. Welcoming, and bright. No intention of prying. He says, “Why don’t you just let Joonmyun-ssi bask in his happiness for a while? He doesn’t have to tell you if he doesn’t want to.” 

Sehun and Kris groan in unison, muttering something along the lines of “Kyungsoo is no fun either,” as they try and go back to concentrating on their work. 

“Thanks for that,” Joonmyun says after the two have disappeared out of hearing range. 

“You’re welcome,” Kyungsoo pats him on the shoulder. “Anytime.” 

 

 

When Joonmyun asks Jongin if he’s okay with having dinner at his house, Jongin agrees without a second thought. “Dinner with your parents? Sure, what day and time?”

“The thing is…” 

Sensing that the topic at hand is more serious than just a yes or no, Jongin looks up at Joonmyun from the list he’s writing and drops his ballpoint pen, giving him his full attention. “What is it?” 

“My parents…I don’t know how they’ll react to us.” 

“Are you...are you planning to introduce me as your boyfriend?” Jongin’s eyes widen. “You don’t have to do that you know. I mean, you haven’t even told Kris or Sehun yet.” 

Joonmyun fidgets, playing with his fingers as he says, “My mother said if we wanted to just eat with her, to go on Friday. And if we want to meet my dad, we should eat together on Sunday. She seems to have noticed that I’m not going to bring home a wife any time soon, because her tone turned weird when I told her about you.” 

“You told her about me?” Jongin sounds like he’s pleased, yet not all too sure of it himself, as he reaches for Joonmyun’s hand. 

“I told her you were my friend,” Joonmyun says, grabbing onto Jongin’s hand with ardor. “But she immediately insisted on bringing you over. I don’t know – do you want to meet my father? And do you want to have just dinner, or have dinner and possibly be screamed at for about half an hour? That is, if I tell them about us.” He likes how Jongin’s fingers fit in between against his, and thinks that he wouldn’t want to hold anyone else’s hand, ever. 

“Is your dad physical?” Jongin asks. 

“What do you mean?” 

Jongin clears his throat. A sliver of the fatigued, afraid him shows on his face, and Joonmyun understands what Kyungsoo meant when he said it hurt to watch. “Like…does he have… violent tendencies?” 

“Oh,” Joonmyun says, “No. No he’s not. He gets very loud though.” 

“If that’s the case, then I don’t mind being screamed at for thirty minutes,” Jongin says. His smiling front is back. “What do you think? Shall we go meet your parents?” 

Jongin is strong, Joonmyun thinks. He lives in the present, and doesn’t overthink his actions, doesn’t plan them out. He’s nothing like Joonmyun, who has always calculated everything at least three times over before his thoughts came to life in the form of words or actions, but Joonmyun thinks their differences are perfectly fine. 

 

 

Joonmyun doesn’t notice he’s biting his lips so much until Jongin points it out. “Don’t worry so much,” Jongin says, smoothing out a wrinkle in Joonmyun’s forehead. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.” They’re standing outside the front step of Joonmyun’s parents’ house, and his boyfriend’s smile is reassuring to Joonmyun’s increasing heart rate.

Joonmyun rings the buzzer. There are soft footsteps coming from the other side of the door. Joonmyun’s mother is the one who opens the door to greet them, sporting a blue apron over her dress, and ushers them inside. 

“Hello, nice to meet you, I’m Jongin,” Jongin says, bowing towards Joonmyun’s mother. Her gaze is directed at Jongin’s hair, which of some he has managed to cover up by wearing a black beanie. She nods at him as she smiles. 

“Dinner’s going to be ready in a few minutes,” she says, “Why don’t you two come into the dining room?”

Not much has changed in the house, say for a few new additions to the family collection of wooden figures and decorations. The furniture looks the same, and Joonmyun’s father’s chair is still there, with a high stack of books beside it. Joonmyun convinces himself to shake off the unpleasant memory of his father sitting in that armchair so many years ago. 

Joonmyun’s father is sitting at the head of the dinner table as he looks through piles of mail. “Who is this?” He lowers his glasses, sliding them down onto his nose to get a clearer view of Jongin. Joonmyun’s mother had once explained to him one of the problems of aging; she and Joonmyun’s father’s eyesight would become far sighted, rather than near, and it was difficult for the old man because his glasses would be either needed or completely useless. 

Joonmyun thinks it’s scary to watch someone age. 

“My friend, Jongin,” he says, and Jongin bows accordingly with a “Nice to meet you.” 

The dinner proceeds smoothly. Joonmyun’s mother is almost as much in love with Jongin as Joonmyun because she’s constantly telling Joonmyun to be more like him. Jongin doesn’t pick at his food, has a large appetite, and tells interesting stories about his work as a freelance photographer. Somehow Joonmyun doesn’t feel offended. 

A chilling tension fills the room when his father asks him, “Joonmyun, why did you bring him here today? You never bring any friends or dates. Who is he to you?” 

Jongin comes back from the kitchen after clearing the table’s dishes into the sink, and shifts uncomfortably, but nods at Joonmyun’s glance for permission.

“Kangwoo!” Joonmyun’s mother hisses, but her husband ignores her warning. 

“Well?” 

“Jongin is my…my boyfriend,” Joonmyun says, feeling a little safer when Jongin comes closer until he’s standing behind Joonmyun. 

He wants to close his eyes and pretend he hasn’t just revealed the biggest secret in his life to his family. Joonmyun’s mother doesn’t look all that surprised, and Joonkyung looks shocked, but Joonmyun’s father keeps his lips in a straight line, his knuckles gripping the chair so tightly they’ve turned white. The image makes Joonmyun feel like he’s in high school again. Only this time, Jongin’s with him, and Joonmyun won’t let his words be so easily dismissed. 

His father stands up, slams his chopsticks down on his plate, and then leaves the room. Even though his wife calls his name multiple times, he doesn’t come back. 

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun’s mother reaches out to touch Joonmyun. It’s the first time she’s touched him since he left home, and he has an unexplainable urge to cry. 

No matter how much he pretended he hated his parents, Joonmyun couldn’t erase the fact that they raised him, and he still sought their approval for his lifestyle as impossible as it seemed. Even if his father can’t accept him, he’s content because he’s told him the truth, and he can’t control whether his father chooses to accept it or disown him. 

“There was once a time where I wanted you to lead a normal life and marry a girl,” Joonmyun’s mother tells him, as he and Jongin prepare to leave, putting on their coats. “But then I realized you were holding secrets, so many, in fact, that your expression seemed to age even more than my own body, Joonmyun. Then I just wanted you to be happy. I’m glad you and Jongin made the time to come today. I’m sorry about your father.”

She leaves Joonkyung to talk with the two, going back to the kitchen to clean up. Joonkyung says, “I feel bad.” 

“You don’t have to,” Joonmyun says quickly. 

“Mom and Dad gave you so much pressure to get married. You could have at least told me,” Joonkyung looks regretful, his wife standing next to them while holding their baby. She gives a supportive smile to both Jongin and Joonmyun. “It would have taken the burden off your shoulder.” 

“I guess, yeah,” Joonmyun is too choked up to give any better of a reply. He’s unused to receiving positive opinions about his sexuality, and wonders if his life would have turned out any different had he told his brother before his parents. At the time, his brother had been studying overseas, so Joonmyun didn’t have many chances to talk to him. 

“Is it okay if I ask how long you two have been dating?” 

Joonmyun nudges Jongin so he can talk. “Uh,” Jongin says, looking back at him in bewilderment, “It’s kind of complicated.” 

Joonmyun laughs. It’s the reason he made Jongin answer the question. 

“A five minute summary would be good, since Jaehee needs to get some rest,” Joonkyung says jokingly as he motions towards his wife. 

“We dated briefly in high school, and then started dating again about half a year ago,” Jongin says. “A lot of history in between.” 

“I see,” Joonkyung says. “Well, we’ll be seeing you again sometime in the future?” 

“Hopefully,” Joonmyun answers, and the two couples depart as they get into their separate cars. 

 

 

“I thought you were going to quit?” Joonmyun asks later that night, after Jongin excuses himself to go outside so he can smoke. 

“It’s not that easy. I’ve cut down a lot, to about one every other day.” 

“How many did you used to smoke?” Joonmyun asks, but then takes it back as Jongin looks about ready to speak. “Wait, never mind, you’re going to give me a panic attack if you tell me.” 

Jongin goes ahead and tells him anyways. “Almost a pack a day, which is like twenty?” 

He chuckles at his boyfriend stuffing his head in a pillow and shrieking. “Sorry, Joonmyun, just wanted you to know how much I’ve improved. Hopefully by next month it’ll be one a week.” 

“How do you get over the urge to smoke?” 

Jongin shrugs. “I bite toothpicks or chew mints.” 

There’s a silence as Jongin stands there, waiting for Joonmyun to respond and Joonmyun’s gaze is directed anywhere except on him. 

“…Sorry,” Joonmyun stares at his fingernails. “That you had to deal with my father.” 

Jongin swoops him up in an embrace, kissing behind Joonmyun’s ear reassuringly. “No need to apologize. And it’s not like I got yelled at. He just left the room.” 

“I thought he was going to yell. That’s what he did the last time I tried to tell him I was gay,” Joonmyun shudders. Jongin’s voice against his ear this late in the evening isn’t helping his body’s sensitivity in any way. 

Jongin seems to notice that he’s uncomfortable, and takes advantage of it as he kisses down his neck. 

“Jongin.” Joonmyun pulls away from the other. “We should sleep.” Not get hot and heavy, he thinks. 

The look Jongin gives him sends a rush of blood straight to his stomach. “Don’t wanna,” he says firmly, and resumes his badgering of Joonmyun’s neck. Joonmyun lets him do as he pleases, moving whenever the other shifts so that Jongin can get more exposure to his skin. Jongin is not rough, but he isn’t gentle either. His kisses are given in a sort of hurried desperation, like he can’t decide where to settle on Joonmyun’s neck and Joonmyun might slip between his fingers. 

Only a minute later, he’s pouting and staring at Joonmyun like he’s the one who should continue. “I don’t – I’m not confident in this, you should know that,” he admits, turning red. “Cause you’re the only guy I’ve ever –”

Joonmyun bursts out laughing, which makes Jongin whine in mortification and Joonmyun says, “Then get off me and we’ll go to my room, okay?” 

“Carry me like a princess!” Jongin demands after standing up, holding his arms out, and Joonmyun snorts. 

“You want me to carry you, when you’re ten centimeters bigger than me and heavier?” 

Jongin doesn’t see anything wrong with his request and nods. Joonmyun has no choice but to carry him, nearly collapsing under the giant as he dumps Jongin on the bed. “Are you happy, you little princess?” 

He barely has time to complain about his shirt being wrinkled when Jongin pulls him in by the collar for a kiss, and he climbs onto the bed, Jongin pulling at his buttons hastily. “Slow,” Joonmyun murmurs. He can only see the top of Jongin’s hair as the latter’s too busy shedding his clothes to look at him. Black roots are growing through, and he wonders if Jongin will do touch ups soon. Joonmyun has steadier hands, so it takes him considerably less time to get Jongin’s clothes off his body and onto the floor. 

Time runs away from them as Joonmyun starts exploring the geography of Jongin’s body, pausing in certain landmarks, like Jongin’s stomach or his hips or his inner thigh. Jongin is itching for more, but stretches his patience just for Joonmyun and conforms to his pace, feeling content with tender kisses and whispers of each other’s names. Everything is slow, and there’s no fight for dominance or submission. They are both, or maybe none at all, but they have each other for company and that’s all that really matters. 

Jongin’s skin is flushed, warm to the touch as Joonmyun prepares him with a finger, then two, then three. He has to be continually reminded to breathe deeply, since he makes short, uneven breaths whenever Joonmyun pushes digits back into him. 

“Hurts?” Joonmyun asks into the dip of Jongin’s spine. 

No is clear in the way Jongin releases a prolonged moan and clings onto the sheets with jerked movements. 

Joonmyun drinks in every sound that comes out of Jongin’s mouth, from the weak “Please”s to incessant moans and soft curses. Jongin rarely swears in abundance, unless he’s extremely angry or extremely turned on, and Joonmyun’s glad to see that he’s definitely not angry. 

Jongin peppers his lover’s face in kisses when Joonmyun moves inside of him, hands wrapping around Joonmyun’s neck instinctively. His eyes are closed, and he’s whimpering Joonmyun’s name in between appreciative pecks.

 

 

“I’m so happy,” Jongin says, once both he and Joonmyun have come back down to Earth after enjoying the high of their orgasms. “It’s our first time to make love.” 

Joonmyun opens one eye. Closes it again. “Mmm.” 

“Something wrong?” The outer ends of Jongin’s eyebrows are pulled downwards in worry. 

“Nothing,” Joonmyun answers, turning his head the other way. Jongin’s cheesiness is cringe worthy. Extremely, extremely cringe worthy. How does he say that kind of thing with a straight face? “You don’t have to announce it like that. It’s just sex.” 

He can hear the sound of Jongin scrambling to get up and peer over at him. He digs his face deeper into the pillow, but not before Jongin gets a good look at how red his cheeks are, and laughs. 

“I love you.” 

Joonmyun supposes he can deal with this level of cheesy. “Me too. I love you, too.” He says, lifting his head. “Hey.” 

“What is it?” 

“Kyungsoo told me you had family issues. Can I ask what they were?” Joonmyun’s collarbones are exposed, and Jongin gives them a tentative bite. 

“My parents weren’t getting along,” Jongin says, running a hand through his hair. “My oldest sister was already out of the house then, and my other sister was studying at college. I felt scared all the time, because my parents’ marriage was falling apart and I couldn’t tell anyone. They were really physical in their fights, and it was more often than not that both of them ended up injured after an argument. They got a divorce, fortunately, before they clawed each other’s eyes out.” 

Joonmyun nods to show he’s listening. 

“I don’t feel that bothered about it now, but back then, the timing was horrible. Their divorce was finalized the week you broke up with me, and I kinda didn’t do so well after that,” Jongin laughs as a way to break the austerity of his words. It doesn’t really help, not when the pain of his past is still freshly settled in his face and he has to make an extra effort to smile again. “But I’m okay now. Don’t worry too much.” 

“Everything Kyungsoo said…is it true? That you ended up in the hospital several times, and you had to see a therapist?” It’s not that Joonmyun doesn’t believe Kyungsoo, he just feels like Jongin puts up an impenetrable front to push him away, and Joonmyun doesn’t think that’s “fair” when Jongin has heard and seen and felt all of his weaknesses. Rather than giving him the big picture, Jongin has always shown Joonmyun bits and pieces of himself through the lens of a grainy film. 

“Yeah.” 

“If you feel bad, you have to tell me too.” Joonmyun says, “what you’re afraid of, if anything’s bothering you. You have to, okay?” 

Jongin smiles. Tucks Joonmyun’s head into the crook of his neck, hands warm on the other’s back. “I don’t…fake happiness when I’m around you, Joonmyun. You know that, right?” 

He continues before Joonmyun can think of something to say back. “I was happy too, before I got to meet you again. My past may have been painful, maybe it even counts as traumatic, but at least I’m living in the present just the way I want to and I don’t have to go through any of those hardships a second time.” 

“Did the therapy…did it help?” Joonmyun asks. “What did you do specifically?” 

“Kyungsoo pushed me into attending sessions after all the times I ended up almost dying and getting rushed to the hospital. At first I had a hard time talking about my feelings, but eventually I realized that bottling it up inside myself wasn’t helping me get better, so I grew into the habit of seeing my therapist regularly, even after I no longer needed such intensive treatments. Most of the time, I just talked about what was bothering me, stuff that I couldn’t say in a regular conversation. I hated my parents for fighting, but I didn’t like them any more when they did get a divorce. I knew it wasn’t my fault that they weren’t getting along, but I still felt helpless at the fact I couldn’t do anything to change the outcome of their marriage.” 

Joonmyun is unable to empathize with Jongin over this matter, but he tries his best to imagine what it’s like in Jongin’s shoes and drums his fingers across Jongin’s back thoughtfully. “Why did you stop going?”

“I’ve been a lot better, and I thought it was time I learned to deal with my problems by myself instead of running to my therapist every time something bothered me,” Jongin says. Then laughs. “It sounds ironic, but she agreed to the idea too.” 

He pushes Joonmyun back by the shoulders so he can look at his face. “But don’t worry about me because I’m okay now.” 

“You keep saying that, but how can I not?” Joonmyun says, looking away. “It’s better to let me worry about you. I feel more at ease that way. And I don’t want you to act like my feelings are more important than yours, ‘cause they’re not. They’re very important to me.” 

“Okay,” Jongin agrees as he ruffles Joonmyun’s hair. “I trust you and I’ll tell you everything you ask. Any more questions?” 

Joonmyun nods. “Did you date anyone after we broke up?” He doesn’t mind the idea of Jongin having dated people other than him, since he’s had sex with several people besides Jongin and he doesn’t regret his decisions. Without someone like Baekhyun, Joonmyun would have lost his sanity a long, long time ago. 

“I was in a serious relationship with this girl for two years, but that’s about it. Everyone else was a year or less,” Jongin says, watchful of how Joonmyun will react. He’s surprised when Joonmyun’s expression doesn’t change, and a little disappointed. 

“No guys? Do you have a picture of the girl?” 

“No, no guys,” Jongin narrows his eyes. “Why do you want a picture of the girl?” 

“I’m curious,” Joonmyun explains. “Can’t someone be curious?” 

“Curious my foot. No one in their right mind wants to see a photo of their boyfriend’s ex,” Jongin says, rolling on top of Joonmyun and kissing him on the nose. “I get jealous just seeing anyone who’s being too close with you.” 

“You really don’t have one?” 

Jongin scrunches his nose and shakes his head. “I might, but I would have no idea where to look. You can settle for looking at just me, right?” 

Joonmyun rolls his eyes as he mumbles, “Sure.” 

“Alright, that’s it. From now on, you can no longer roll your eyes at me when I’m trying to be romantic, or cute. That’s a rule,” Jongin says, prodding Joonmyun softly in the stomach. The latter groans before trying to scoot farther away and failing. 

“Who’s going to listen to a rule you made up?” Joonmyun sticks out his tongue, then dives under the blanket when he senses an impending attack from Jongin. “I’m going to sleep. Night!” 

Jongin follows him into the sheets, kissing Joonmyun in the dark until he’s squealing for Jongin to stop and let him rest in peace. Only then does Jongin settle for wrapping his arms around Joonmyun’s waist, the tip of his nose buried in Joonmyun’s sweet smelling hair. 

“Night.”


	4. Chapter 4

On his birthday, Joonmyun is astonished to open the door and see Jongin standing in front of him, a thermos in his hand and bag with silver wrapping paper coming out of it in the other. “Surprise!” Jongin’s smile is blinding this early in the morning. 

“You said you would be busy!” Joonmyun says accusingly, closing the door behind Jongin as his boyfriend takes off his shoes and switches to indoor slippers. He had planned to just sleep for the entire day, but he doesn’t mind the pleasant birthday visit. 

“You are a fantastic boyfriend if you actually thought I wasn’t going to celebrate your birthday with you and had no problems with that,” Jongin sets the bag on the table. “Come here.” He spreads his arms wide as an invitation for a hug. 

It’s a habit for Joonmyun to expect the worst, because that’s all he’s ever had in a glass world that seemed to cut him as soon as he was brave enough to open his arms to it again. Jongin is a dream; a wonderful, heavenly reality that only really dawns on Joonmyun every time Jongin does something kind like this and doesn’t disappear with a Poof! when Joonmyun tries to touch him. 

Joonmyun runs into Jongin’s arms, clutching him tightly around the waist. Jongin smells nice as always. 

“Did I wake you? Your hair looks like you just got up,” Jongin asks, smoothing out the tufts of bed hair Joonmyun is prone to getting despite his haircut being short. He’s not wrong, since Joonmyun did roll out of bed to see who was at his door at 7 AM in the morning. 

“It’s fine,” Joonmyun assures him. “I get to see you instead.” Seeing Jongin in front of him, smiling with the radiance of all the stars in the Milky Way galaxy combined, is a thousand times better than sleeping in. 

“Why don’t you open your present?” Jongin says, “and drink your coffee before it gets cold.”

Joonmyun moves towards the gift bag and peels away the top layers of tissue paper. Jongin’s laughing even before Joonmyun opens it, earning several suspicious glances his way. “Just open it!” 

Joonmyun takes the box out of the bag, lifts the cover, and…

Jongin’s laugh grows beyond hysterical as Joonmyun eyes him in disapproval. “Do…you…like…it?” he asks, having to take breaks in between each word so he can pound the back of the chair and get his air back. 

“I think this is the first time I have to ask myself why I’m in a relationship with you,” Joonmyun replies, slightly amused. Jongin has given him a pair of neon pink briefs with the phrase HE’S MINE on the back. 

“I have a matching pair,” Jongin says, “Would you like to see?” 

Joonmyun uses his index finger to pull the waistband of Jongin’s jeans so that he can see the other’s underwear. It’s true; Jongin’s wearing the same pair, only they’re in an obnoxious shade of yellow green. His eyes are hurting from all the neon. “Quite flattering,” Joonmyun comments, folding up his gift and putting it back in the bag. “But now I am a little afraid to see what the rest of it holds.” 

“I promise the rest of it is good!” Jongin insists. “That one’s still my favorite though.” He lets out a little sigh of merriment, as if it’s a pity that Joonmyun can’t see the beauty in those panties the way he can. 

Joonmyun takes out a DVD case, and recognizes the cover, saying, “You got the movie I wanted to watch? But it hasn’t even been released in theaters yet!” 

“I pulled a few strings,” Jongin answers, feeling quite the cool boyfriend. 

Joonmyun oohs and ahs over the rest of the gifts: a zip up hoodie, a few books, and a new coffee mug. (“I saw that the one you had was really old, and now you can use this one! Or both.”) 

“You’re spoiling me,” he mumbles, picking up the thermos with coffee in it and bringing it to his lips. It’s still hot, and right around the temperature Joonmyun likes his coffee best. He’d forgotten to put a sweater on over his thin t-shirt in his haste to open the door, and so his shoulders relax as the heat of the drink warms his whole body. 

“Happy birthday, Joonmyun,” Jongin grins, and Joonmyun’s heart squeezes itself as it trips over happiness again and again. 

 

 

Despite making plans to go out to the amusement park, they get too hung up on each other and make a last minute decision to just stay home for the rest of the day. This means, in turn, a lot of cuddling and a whole lot of affection sprinkled over, thrown at, and hosed down on Joonmyun until he feels like he’s going to drown in it. In a good way. 

However, Joonmyun is not pleased when he presses play after placing Jongin’s birthday gift in the slot and gets a bunch of static. Following the static is a close up of a screaming woman with her guts torn out and blood spewing everywhere across the screen. Screams fill the room, both from the TV and Joonmyun (but the louder ones are from Joonmyun) as he jumps right on top of Jongin and clings onto his boyfriend’s neck for dear life while whimpering. 

Jongin is shaking with laughter, and he presses stop on the remote control. “I’m so sorry, Joonmyun,” he says, but he’s laughing so hard that tears are coming out of his eyes. 

“You’re an A class asshole, you know that?” Joonmyun shrieks, pounding him on the chest. “A real dickhead!” 

Jongin manages to wail his apologies at least four to five more times before he has another mental breakdown and sprawls out on the floor, still cackling. 

“I take everything back I said about liking you, you asswipe,” Joonmyun is spinning out insults now. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. That shit was scary as fuck! I’m going to kill you in your sleep –” 

Jongin sits back up, and holds Joonmyun still so he can kiss him. “Sorry, I wanted an excuse for you to cling to me,” Jongin says, but it’s a downright lie. He only feels a little bad. 

Joonmyun folds his arms over his chest. His tone is still irritable, but it’s fond in a way that suggests Jongin has been partially let off the hook. “There’s better ways to do that than playing a horror movie! You could have just asked.” 

“Well, Kris mentioned one time how much you hated horror trailers so I wanted to see your reaction to them. What better way to see it than on your birthday?” Jongin rubs Joonmyun’s back to calm him down. “You can hit me as much as you like until you don’t feel scared anymore. Okay? Just don’t be mad.” 

Joonmyun gives him a half hearted punch on the shoulder before hugging him, his nose digging into the dunes of Jongin’s clavicles. He says nothing, just hums contentedly every few seconds as he slowly regains his composure. 

“If you keep breathing onto my skin, I can’t guarantee that I won’t jump you, and you know that’s not what I came here for,” Jongin changes the position of his legs and tries to ignore Joonmyun’s warm breath on his neck. “Ah, the movie. The movie. I really did bring it, it’s on the other side of the holder.” 

Joonmyun peels himself off of Jongin to take out the correct DVD from the case and slide it into the player, moving backwards so that he’s sitting farther away from the screen in case it’s another prank. It isn’t, and he makes his way back to Jongin once the credits start rolling.

“Just wait, you’re going to get strangled before you know what hit you,” is the last evil thing Joonmyun says to the other before Jongin starts tickling him while keeping him in a death like grip. 

“This is against the rules! You’re not allowed to tickle me after giving me a panic attack!” 

“What rules?” Jongin mimics Joonmyun’s response from the last time he’d tried setting a rule about their relationship interactions. “Who’s going to listen to a rule you made up?” 

“I’ll kick you,” Joonmyun warns. “Really, stoooOOOOO –”

Seconds later, Jongin groans as he doubles over in pain, and Joonmyun ends up having to get an ice pack from the freezer for Jongin’s hip. “I told you that’s why you shouldn’t tickle me!” 

 

 

Kris finds out about Jongin and Joonmyun’s secret ahead of schedule because he shows up at Joonmyun’s apartment to give him video files and some papers without calling first. 

The envelope falls from his hand when he sees that it’s not Joonmyun who opens the door, but Jongin. “Who is it – fuckin’ shit,” Jongin says, recognizing the face standing in front of him. The only thing he has on is a pair of sweatpants, and he looks down at his bare chest awkwardly. “Uh…” 

Kris picks up the envelope from the ground. Clears his throat. “Is Joonmyun there?” 

“…Yes! I mean, yeah he is,” Jongin scratches his head. “Come inside. He’s like half awake.” 

Kris sits on the edge of the couch as Jongin goes into Joonmyun’s bedroom. It’s strange for him to see someone else entering the twenty six year old’s room so easily, when Joonmyun had been so fervently against the idea of Kris seeing his room in the past and prevented it from happening at all costs. 

“Joonmyun,” Jongin nudges his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Wake up.” 

“Ten more minutes,” Joonmyun whines, curling deeper into his comforter in hopes that Jongin will go away. 

“Kris is here. I doubt you want to lie around for another ten minutes,” Jongin says, pulling on Joonmyun’s arm so he’ll get up faster. 

Joonmyun sits up instantly, as if Jongin had pressed a button on a remote control. “Kris?” 

Jongin nods. 

A few seconds pass before Joonmyun realizes the gravity of the situation. Then, “Fuck!” He sees Jongin’s outfit (or lack thereof) and pulls the blankets off of his body, remembering that he’s only in his t-shirt and briefs. “Clothes! Give me clothes. Pants, to be more specific.” 

Jongin tosses him his jeans and he pulls them on, barely falling on his face as he rushes out to talk to his coworker. 

“Kris,” Joonmyun says. God, this is the worst. “Good morning.” Do you even say that to someone who has just discovered that you’re not as straight as they thought? Is he overreacting or is this just as serious as he thinks it is?

“I brought over…some files that Siwon wanted you to look through. It’s the weekend, so he wanted you to see them before Monday,” Kris says, handing the manila envelope over to Joonmyun. 

“Thanks,” Joonmyun replies automatically. He can’t tell what the expression on Kris’s face is supposed to mean, but it’s somewhere in between a grimace and curiosity and also trying to avoid the whole confrontation over why Jongin is in his apartment half naked. “About Jongin…and me…” 

Jongin comes out of the room, having put on a shirt and a jacket. He nods to Kris and comes up behind Joonmyun.

“You guys are dating?” Kris finishes. 

“…Yes.” Joonmyun rubs his temples. This is not the way things were supposed to go. “Kris…”

Kris isn’t any less tongue tied. “I, uh –”

Joonmyun runs a hand through his hair. Even though Jongin’s standing beside him, ready to speak for Joonmyun just in case he wimps out, it’s still terrifying to watch Kris figure out that Joonmyun is clearly not into girls. He’s prepared for this moment, of course, but it came faster than he thought it would and now he’s waiting for Kris to either recoil from him in disgust or accept it and move on. 

Kris opens his mouth, but he doesn’t speak until a few seconds later. “First of all, before you start panicking or anything, it would have been the same amount of awkward for me to walk in on you and your girlfriend. I’ve never…it’s hard to imagine you dating someone with how secretive you are?” Kris looks like he’s trying hard not to be offensive. “This really isn’t coming out right.” 

A diminished sigh leaves Joonmyun’s mouth, and he starts to tear up, but he wipes his eyes hurriedly before Kris can notice how relieved, how moved he is. Although Amber had assured him that she and Kris were open minded people, Joonmyun had still been deathly afraid that Kris would shun him like his peers from his school days. And he really, really didn’t want to be put in a position like that again. 

“It’s more like…why didn’t I know?” Kris takes another shot at wording his feelings. “I know we could be a lot closer, but I thought we were…I was trustworthy enough for you to tell me. Not trustworthy…understanding enough, maybe?” His face is usually stern, but currently he resembles a child who’s been told he’s too short to go on an amusement park ride. Or a puppy that’s been kicked and left in the rain for hours. 

“I had no choice,” Joonmyun says, and he means it. He feels bad, really, but telling Kris hadn’t ever been considered an option in his brain before dating Jongin. “That kind of thing is hard to say, especially because I’ve had bad experiences relating to coming out of the closet.” 

“Then Jongin…?” Kris tries so hard to be coherent, Joonmyun almost laughs. 

“I’m bisexual, but I don’t mention it unless people ask very specifically,” Jongin says, smiling.

Kris’s mouth hangs open as he tries to come up with something appropriate to say. “Agh, I have so many questions that I can’t collect my words together right now, but your personal life is none of my business anyways.”

“It’s okay,” Joonmyun says. “I’ve wanted to tell you the truth for a while now, but I was going to wait until the movie was finished and Jongin wasn’t working for us anymore so that there’d be less conflict for everyone.” 

“How long…how did you guys meet? Did you know Jongin before he started working on this movie with us?” Kris asks. 

Joonmyun answers, “Jongin and I…we’ve known each other since high school. We have a complicated history, you can say that, but we hadn’t seen each other until the first day he came into the company. We talked things out after that.” 

“Oh. I see.” 

Joonmyun can hardly believe it. That the only thing Kris cares about is the fact that he didn’t know earlier. “Are you really – you don’t mind that I’m not straight?” he asks carefully. 

Kris snorts, but it’s not an ill intended one. “How could I? It’s your life, Joonmyun, and if boys are more your style than girls, why should anyone care? I’m happy as long as you’re happy.”

Jongin peers over Joonmyun’s shoulder at his face. “Kris, you’re going to make Joonmyun cry,” he jokes, grabbing some tissues and handing them to Joonmyun. 

Joonmyun merely blows his nose, making sure to fold the tissues into squares as he throws them in the trash can. 

“I’ll be on my way then,” Kris says, getting up. “Sorry to have interrupted your Saturday.” 

“Aw, don’t say that,” Jongin waves his hand back and forth. 

Joonmyun follows the two men to the front door. Kris turns around, and says, “Joonmyun, nothing’s going to change. Okay? You’ll still yell at me to get you a coffee, and I’ll still listen to your every command.” 

“Thanks,” Joonmyun chokes out. “That means a lot.” 

“Have a good weekend, you two!” 

“Well, that’s one more person crossed off your checklist of confessions,” Jongin offers when it’s just the two of them in Joonmyun’s living room again. 

“You know what’s weird, Jongin?” 

“What?” Jongin’s starting to clip up his bangs with bobby pins so they stay out of his forehead. 

“Ever since we started dating, everything in life has become so much simpler. It’s like…I was walking in this maze that took me so much effort to get out of by myself, but you led me the correct way out in one try.” 

Jongin stops picking bobby pins off the table momentarily to smile and kiss Joonmyun on the forehead. “Everything is a one way path if you let it be. You led yourself out of that maze, Joonmyun.” 

“What do you mean?” Joonmyun asks, still confused. 

Jongin laughs. “I didn’t help you make your life simpler, or help you through the maze. I was just the extra push you needed.” 

 

 

Joonmyun is conflicted when Jongin asks him if they can live together. “That doesn’t seem like such a smart idea,” he says, pushing up his glasses. They keep sliding down his nose. Recently he’s been wearing glasses more than his contacts (and Jongin has realized he very much likes glasses on Joonmyun). 

“Why not? I pretty much live at your place already,” Jongin says, pouting. He hadn’t prepared any reasons to argue his side in case Joonmyun rejected his proposal. 

“That’s different,” Joonmyun argues. “You’re going to distract me from my daily routine if you’re with me all the time.” 

“I’ll cook you nice meals. I’m good at catching bugs. I give free cuddles, and kisses too! Plus I’ll only bother you sometimes,” Jongin says, trying to make himself sound like a roommate with great potential. 

“You know I’m not scared of bugs either, so you’re basically useless besides cooking meals,” Joonmyun points out, and he laughs at how offended Jongin’s expression has turned. 

Jongin is about to lift his arm to perform some never-before-seen Kim Jongin aegyo, but he’s turned down before he even gets the chance to show it. “You’re the same age as me and you think aegyo is going to change my mind? As if,” Joonmyun holds his hand up as a stop sign. “Please, Jongin. Act your age.” 

“If you had just said yes from the beginning I wouldn’t have to pull these desperate measures,” Jongin gripes, lowering his arm.

“Oh so it’s my fault now?” Joonmyun holds his hand to his chest. “Why do you want to live together so much anyways?” 

“Waking up next to you, looking forward to coming home because I’ll get to see you, can’t I have those little joys?” Jongin says, then whispers, “Not to mention, accidentally walking in on you showering, seeing you naked more often, and uh getting more affection when we need it?” 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing, I said nothing,” Jongin covers his head to protect the most vital part of him. “I just love you a lot, and we can’t get married anyways, so let’s pretend we are. If I know anything about marriage, it’s that married couples definitely don’t live separately.” 

He removes his hands from his head once he senses that it’s safe enough and Joonmyun won’t attack him with his iron fists. 

“Not now,” Joonmyun says after deliberating for a while. “After the movie’s done, maybe.” Which will take at least a few more months, considering the shooting period is over and all that’s left is post production and promotions. It’s an exhausting job, yet Joonmyun feels better than he has in years. 

Jongin is reluctant to agree, but at least it’s a start. “Is that a promise?” 

“Perhaps. We’ll see.” 

“That’s not fair,” Jongin whines, pulling at Joonmyun’s sleeve. The brunette has become engrossed in his laptop screen and ignores his boyfriend. “Joonmyunnie!” 

Joonmyun turns to glare at him. “Don’t call me that.” It’s gross (and too cute for Joonmyun to handle this late in the afternoon). 

There’s an anxious expression on Jongin’s face that Joonmyun finds rather amusing to look at, and he wonders if Jongin still hasn’t figured out that Joonmyun will never say no to something he asks for, as long as it’s reasonable. “…Do you want to move in here or look for a new place together?” he asks coolly. 

The glee in Jongin’s face means that he’s realized what Joonmyun’s words mean, and he says, “I like your place. But we can look at different apartments too, if you’re interested.” 

“We’ll think about it when the time comes,” Joonmyun presses the backspace button several times. “Now stop bothering me so I can actually finish this!” 

Jongin gives him a hurt look, but it’s quickly diminished when Joonmyun sends an air kiss his way. 

 

 

Joonmyun is not an optimist. While everyone else is growing more and more excited as the date of the movie’s release approaches, he finds that he’s…not. 

Yes, this movie is a product of his passion for film and bringing stories to life across the screen, but as much hard work was put into the film, he knows the response from movie critics and general audience does not always bear the fruit of a production team’s efforts. Hard work should be, but is only sometimes, proportional to the level of ratings a movie receives. That’s the most important thing Joonmyun’s ever learned. 

Still, he’s happy. This is what he has always wanted to do. 

 

 

Jongin and Joonmyun agree that Jongin should just move in to Joonmyun’s current apartment; it’s spacy and a convenient location with a pleasant environment. 

Since Jongin’s bringing his things over, Joonmyun takes the opportunity to clean his entire home. The two spend more time doing that than Jongin unpacking his belongings, actually, and they both lie on the floor after everything’s been finished. It’s rewarding to see that the bathrooms are sparkling, even in the corners that had originally been black with dust and grime, and the kitchen no longer has oil stains within a three foot radius of the stove in all directions. Joonmyun is also no longer afraid to look behind the couch; he had been afraid to in the past, wary of spiders that would skitter out and the dozens of cobwebs in between the sofa and the wall. He wasn’t afraid of bugs, but that didn’t mean he welcomed them and the effects of their living in his home. 

“I’m so tired,” Jongin groans, rolling over on his side. “What time is it?” 

Joonmyun lifts his head off the ground so he can see the clock in the hallway. “Like, 5:45ish.” 

He stands up to take the rest of the garbage bags they’d filled outside, and Jongin’s left lying on the floor by himself. When Joonmyun comes back in, they agree on getting something delivered for dinner. In the middle of slurping up jajjangmyeon, Jongin asks, “Are you happy with yourself today, Mr. Kim Joonmyun?” 

Joonmyun has to stifle his laugh until he swallows the food in his mouth. Then he laughs freely. It’s a question that Jongin asks often in order to get him to talk about his feelings (“So that you can release your stress by having me listen!” Jongin once said). 

“I am,” Joonmyun replies. He’s done everything on his to-do list, with the help of persistent Jongin and his everlasting confidence. Joonmyun still doesn’t know where Jongin gets it from. 

Regarding Joonmyun’s sexuality, Sehun had reacted pretty much the same way as Kris and was hurt that he didn’t know any sooner. “Should I have noticed? Was it wrong on my part?” 

“No, not at all,” Joonmyun had told him. “I don’t think I was obvious enough for you to notice.” 

Luhan had been the one to give Joonmyun an unexpected response. “I kind of knew already,” he said, when Joonmyun showed up at the restaurant alone to tell him. Jongin had been meeting clients that day, and by then Joonmyun felt comfortable enough to tell Luhan on his own.

“How?” It was uncanny. Joonmyun had been the most reserved with Luhan compared to Kris and Sehun. The only thing that made Luhan different was the fact that he knew Joonmyun the longest, having been his tutor in college and then a friend that he kept in touch with afterward. 

“I knew when I first looked at you. It’s hard to explain,” Luhan laughed. “I’ve always had a weakness for cute guys with short hair, but I wasn’t going to confess to you until you came out. I guess it’s too late for that now.” 

Joonmyun’s tongue seemed to have tied itself in a knot. He opened and closed his mouth repeatedly before he kept it closed. 

“Sorry to throw that at you. It slipped from my mouth,” Luhan said apologetically, seeing Joonmyun’s struggle to reply. “I know you’re dating Jongin, so don’t think too hard about me, okay? And if you want meals, you should still come here.” 

Luhan was smiling at him the way Joonmyun used to smile at his parents, colleagues, peers in school. The one that tried to say I’m fine, I’m okay, but actually meant I don’t know what else to do but smile and my face hurts and I’m hurting. 

“I’d say sorry too, but it would just make things worse,” Joonmyun answered. 

“And bring Jongin too,” Luhan said, a bit shakily. “Despite how masochistic it would be, I still want to meet him. If you like him, he must be a really special guy.” There’s no bitterness on his tongue, but maybe that’s because Luhan’s mindful not to let his emotions show too strongly. 

“Thank you,” Joonmyun reached out to touch Luhan on the shoulder. “For everything you’ve done.” 

Thank you is an understatement, to be honest. Luhan had pulled him out of a crushing whirlpool when he most needed it and looked after him all these years. Dealt with his complaints, always offered him a smile even if Joonmyun rarely returned it. 

Luhan seemed to understand the grateful touch of Joonmyun’s hand. He smiled, and said, “A lot of things have changed today, but don’t let them change our friendship. Promise me?”

He holds out his pinky, and Joonmyun links it with his own. “Promise.”

 

 

The movie receives very mixed critiques, but there’s more than enough that boast four and five stars, which has Joonmyun reeling in covert happiness for at least a week. Nobody notices besides Jongin, but that’s not a surprise because Jongin’s the only one who can catch Joonmyun squealing into his pillow when he thinks he’s alone in their bedroom. 

Joonmyun is getting dressed for the awards ceremony, and Jongin’s sitting on the bed waiting, since he’s already done changing. “I can’t tell whether I like or hate you in a suit,” Jongin says, tone pensive. 

Joonmyun turns around to look at him after managing to get his tie on right. “Why? Do I look awkward in them?” 

He’s complained before that his body is too skinny and he looks like a prepubescent boy in adult clothes, but Jongin begs to differ. Everything about Joonmyun’s body is nice; from his narrow hips to his bony knees and thin but wiry arms, and how his hands look so rough compared to the rest of him. Sometimes he gets bad haircuts (that’s why he styles his hair up so much) and breaks out under stress, but Jongin thinks Joonmyun’s gorgeous anyways, bad haircut, occasional zit and all. He shakes his head as he says, “No. No no no. You look so good I’m worried I’ll jump you right in the middle of award speeches.” 

“You can’t!” Joonmyun says, though he’s laughing at the same time. He turns his attention back to his clothes, messing with the buttons on his handcuffs and remaining completely oblivious to the increasingly lecherous gaze directed at him from behind. 

“What about now? Is it okay if it’s now?” Jongin asks, getting up to approach his boyfriend. 

Despite his half hearted protests, Joonmyun ends up cornered into the bathroom, briefs pulled down to his thighs and Jongin’s fingers curled around his cock. The momentary thought that his tailbone hurts from being pushed against the wall is quickly replaced by the overwhelming sensation of Jongin’s lips brushing his ear. 

“We’re…going to be…late,” Joonmyun pants in between hard tugs from Jongin’s hands, and Jongin kisses him messily, leaving both of their mouths red and swollen when he pulls away.

Joonmyun takes the liberty to jerk Jongin off when he regains enough senses to think about something other than how much his entire body’s burning up. Jongin comes faster than him, and Joonmyun catches it with his hand in order to prevent any stains on either of their clothes. 

“Your timing is really fucking terrible,” Joonmyun growls when he’s gone soft and Jongin’s looking a smug type of satisfied that Joonmyun thinks is going to earn him a slap soon if he doesn’t wipe it off his face. “We were already pretty late to begin with.” 

“Well, you take forever to get dressed because you wait until the last minute to find an outfit,” Jongin argues, but he kisses Joonmyun on the nose, as if that will make up for the time they’ve surrendered to handjobs and countless other kisses. 

Joonmyun rolls his eyes as he pulls the rest of his clothes on, following Jongin to the car once he’s made sure both of them look presentable and don’t have any embarrassing traces of sex on them. 

The ceremony hall is filled with celebrities, film makers and their families, all dressed in bright colors and dazzling accessories. Joonmyun hadn’t invited his parents today because he’s still a little clumsy at handling his relationship with them. His mother has accepted him for who he is, he knows that, but it’d be awkward to have his mother come and not his father. Joonmyun hasn’t been on speaking terms with him ever since the incident of Jongin coming over for dinner. 

Kris and Sehun still manage to stand out amongst the waves of color, Kris wearing a white tuxedo and Sehun a black one. As Joonmyun and Jongin get closer, the other two wave at them eagerly. “You’re here!” Sehun says, coming up to them. It’s one of the rare instances where he’s made so much effort to look nice. His hair’s slicked back and he’s wearing a pair of dress shoes that he still manages to keep running around in. 

Amber’s arm is linked with Kris’s, and she smiles warmly at Joonmyun and Jongin. “Hello, haven’t seen you two in a while.” 

“The ceremony is going to start in a few minutes, you guys were close to not being able to get in at all,” Kris says when Amber heads off to find some more appetizers. He crosses his arms, disapproval plain across his features. 

“Sorry, it was my fault, I kinda jumped Joo-” Jongin starts, but Joonmyun digs his nails into his boyfriend’s palm so he can’t continue. “Ow, Joonmyun!” The loud whine and expression of hurt he gives Joonmyun is a stab in his gut, so Joonmyun pats Jongin’s hand until the other stops complaining about how much it hurts. 

Kris gives them a wary glance over before shrugging it off. “Our seats are over there in the middle.” 

Kyungsoo appears around ten minutes later, holding onto his girlfriend’s hand protectively as he leads her towards the group. He introduces her once he’s greeted everyone. “This is Luna, my fiancé,” he says, and Joonmyun smiles when he notices the girl squeeze Kyungsoo’s hand. 

“Nice to meet you,” she says. Her hair is jet black, pin straight locks that fall back into place whenever she stops moving her head, and her dress is a baby blue that spreads into lace at the bottom. Other than responding to questions directed towards her, she’s mostly quiet for the rest of the evening. 

Sehun’s melodramatics are back as he wails about being the only single one in their group. “Everyone has a date except me!” 

Jongin can’t help but chuckle at Sehun’s misfortunes, and the younger temporarily halts his cries of despair to shoot a glare at him. 

“You’re still young, Sehun,” Amber says reassuringly. “And good looking, so don’t worry about it. I’m sure there’s lots of girls who would have been more than willing to be your date tonight.” 

Sehun’s in much better spirits after that and no longer complains about being single, but still remains talkative. 

Although he doesn’t talk much, Joonmyun feels comfortable here, more comfortable than he ever has been, sitting with everyone and listening to their chatter about different things: good movies, bad movies, how Kyungsoo met his girlfriend, how Jongin became a photographer, and even the weirdest, most obscure kinds of marine life. He lets their voices swirl around him like a cloud that wraps him in a blanket of contentedness. 

Joonmyun doesn’t realize that he’s won Rookie Filmmaker of the Year until Kris and Jongin have nudged him in the shoulder several times to stand up and get on the stage. It’s only when he’s standing behind the podium, in front of hundreds of people, with the weight of a heavy trophy in his hand, that it really smacks him in the face what is happening and he’s almost moved to tears. 

Even so, he doesn’t let himself cry, and his speech remains short. “Thank you for giving me this award. I have a lot of people that helped me, and I’d like to give special thanks to Kris, Sehun, Jongin, and the rest of the production team in FLY. Without your assistance, I wouldn’t be standing up here today. Thank you so much.” 

After the rest of the awards have been given and the ceremony is coming to a close, Joonmyun is allowed to leave the stage, and he goes straight to Jongin, his teeth showing in a wide smile as he hugs Jongin close. His legs feel wobbly, like they’re made out of Jello and he’s going to collapse any moment. 

“Congratulations, big shot,” Jongin whispers, and Joonmyun has to smother the urge to cover his boyfriend’s face in kisses because Jongin’s eyes are filled with so much light and pride and joy that you would think he was the one who got the award instead. 

“Let’s go home,” Jongin says, pulling back with a smile. 

Joonmyun feels like he’s won a million victories. Being honest with himself has never felt this good. 

 

 

 

E P I L O G U E 

 

A little boy runs towards his father. “Appa! Appa! Make Sehun ahjussi stop tickling me,” he whines, crawling into Joonmyun’s lap for protection as Sehun comes towards him with a malevolent grin. 

“I don’t think I’ve reached the age to be called an ahjussi just yet,” Sehun raises an eyebrow, and reaches a hand over just to see the four year old shriek loudly in terror. 

“Stop that,” Joonmyun hisses. “You two are disturbing the other tables.” 

Sehun sticks out his tongue in response. 

“Jongdae-ah, don’t call Sehun an ahjussi,” Joonmyun says, ruffling his son’s hair affectionately. He leans towards Jongdae and whispers, “He’s a sensitive old man.” It’s not so much of a whisper because he intentionally says it loud enough for Sehun to hear. 

“Hey!” Sehun points at his face, then his hair, then the rest of him. “I believe it is quite obvious that my youth is still intact, thank you very much.” 

“Whether your hair is dyed or not doesn’t say anything about your age, Oh Sehun,” Jongin says. “Or how you dress.” 

He receives a pointed look from Sehun, who tries to change the subject quickly and asks, “That reminds me, why did you dye your hair brown again?” 

“The blonde was too attention grabbing,” Jongin says. “And I’m thirty already.” 

“Jongin’s the one who should be called ahjussi,” Sehun grumbles under his breath, folding his arms across his chest. “Right Jongdae?” 

“Appa, he’s appa!” Jongdae insists, and Sehun makes a pretend fist at him, accompanied by a growl. The boy is young, but his impish qualities have already become a trademark to his personality and he spends every moment with Sehun making fun of or going against the older man. 

“Appa was blonde once?” Jongdae asks, turning away from Sehun. 

Joonmyun nods, smiling as he remembers the day that Jongin had gone back to his natural hair color. He had played it off as being too showy and the reason why girls wouldn’t leave him alone. However, when Joonmyun confronted him about the real motive, Jongin admitted reluctantly that he did it for Joonmyun, who had said only the day before that he missed Jongin in dark hair. 

Jongin gestures towards Sehun. “Your girlfriend couldn’t make it today?” 

“No,” Sehun replies, “she has a class around this time. She’ll come later once it’s finished.” 

Luhan arrives, a slightly shorter man following behind him as they enter the more secluded section of the restaurant. 

“You’re here,” Joonmyun says, and smiles at Minseok. Minseok and Luhan have been dating for almost two years now, and they rarely go anywhere without each other unless it’s for work. 

“Hello, Jongdae!” Luhan says, letting go of Minseok’s hand temporarily to squish Jongdae’s cheek lightly. “How old are you now?” 

“Four,” Jongdae licks his lips, and immediately wraps his arms around Luhan’s neck when Luhan lifts him up. He does the same to Minseok, who’s surprised at Jongdae’s friendliness even though he can’t recall who the man carrying him is. 

“My name is Minseok. Min-seok.” 

“Min…seok,” Jongdae repeats diligently. 

Minseok is delighted and pats Jongdae’s head. “Who’s the stupid guy over here?” He points to his boyfriend, who makes an offended noise at the insult, sputtering as he tries to think of a good comeback. 

“Lu - Han ge,” Jongdae says, having remembered what Luhan said to call him a while ago. “Chinese for hyung.” 

“Yeah!” Luhan is the one who’s delighted now. “He remembers the things I tell him.” 

“That’s unfortunate,” Minseok mutters, and Luhan’s about to yell at him for being mean but he forgets about revenge when Jongin opens his mouth to speak. 

“What do you guys want to order?” Jongin asks. 

“Is everyone here?” Sehun stretches his neck to look around. “Where’s Kris?” 

“Over there,” Joonmyun says, pointing to the entrance of the restaurant. Kris stands there for a few seconds before he sees where the group is, and starts to make his way towards them. 

He towers over everyone else, and Jongdae recognizes him immediately. “Hyung.” 

“Aw,” Kris smiles, squatting down to look at the little boy. “Jongdae, hi.” 

“…Scary hyung,” Jongdae says, and runs behind Jongin, gripping onto his father’s slacks fearfully. It takes him at least another forty five minutes into the gathering before he’s brave enough to touch Kris’s knees and climb into his lap. 

 

 

By now, it’s late in the evening. Jongin has tucked Jongdae into bed and is reading him bedtime stories until he falls asleep.

Joonmyun’s reading in the living room, legs curled under a blanket that’s too thin for November weather, only the occasional sound of him turning the pages every time he gets to the bottom line of text. The intensity of the light in his lamp is fading, and he knows it’s bad for his eyes, but he wants to finish at least the rest of the chapter before he switches the lightbulb out with a brand new one. When he reaches his goal, he closes his book and turns off the lamp, letting his eyes flicker as he drifts somewhere in between being alert and unconsciousness. He’ll change out the lightbulb tomorrow. 

If you told the Joonmyun from four years ago that he was going to end up married and with an adopted child, he would have scoffed and warned you to get lost. But now it’s reality, and Joonmyun sleeps better than he did in the past, except for the short period of time when Jongdae had first been adopted and kept waking up in the middle of the night crying because he hadn’t adjusted to his new home yet. 

Joonmyun’s father has never touched upon the subject of his son’s sexuality again, but Joonmyun doesn’t think he’s accepted it either. He and Jongin visit occasionally, due to Joonmyun’s mother’s requests to see her grandchild, but the couple is met with silence if they happen upon meeting Joonmyun’s father. 

It’s not exactly the happy ending he wants. Joonmyun wants his father to look at Jongdae with love, not with contempt because he isn’t part of the blood line. There’s a lot of things Joonmyun wishes his father could be, but he can’t change someone who isn’t willing, and most of the time Joonmyun’s alright with the cold dismissal he receives from his father because there’s so many other people in his life who support him and wish him the best. 

Unsurprisingly, the passion of Joonmyun’s relationship with Jongin has faded over time, but it’s morphed into a comfortable affection that never seems to leave the places or the people they’ve touched. 

To everyone’s delight, Jongin has quit smoking. And for quite a while too. He complained constantly when he first tried to go a week without smoking any cigarettes, but they soon died out after he was able to avoid them for another week, three more, and then months. 

Joonmyun can feel Jongin moving around him, taking the book out of his hands and wrapping the blanket around his body as he carries Joonmyun to their bedroom. 

He shivers, and Jongin probably notices because he doesn’t remove the blanket off of Joonmyun, simply puts another thicker, warmer comforter over him before he slips under the covers next to Joonmyun. 

“Goodnight,” Joonmyun hears him say, and he gathers the energy to kiss Jongin on the lips, though he is a little off and gets more cheek than mouth. 

Joonmyun lets out a sigh of ease, pulling back and burrowing himself into the blankets. 

This is home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (notes copied from 2013 after-message) 
> 
> a/n: hello hello! if you got all the way here i would like to thank you for taking time out of your lives to read this ^^ 
> 
> \--when anything is in past tense (for a full section) it's a flashback.  
> \--mostly everything is proofread by me so sorry if there are typos IT IS A ONE MAN TEAM HERE (+ my friend who is still in the process of proofreading woo cheers to her)  
> \--how manipulative joonmyun actually is in this fic's au, i'm not so sure. i assume he would mildly threaten people sometimes just to see them suffer the way he had in the past. his character is far from perfect, because he's a human being like everyone else. he's generally a warm hearted guy, but sometimes his twisted personality shows here and there.  
> \--i'm aware that in korea same sex relationships are not recognized and to adopt a child you must be a married couple or smth so it would be quite unrealistic for sukai to be married and adopt a child. but who cares cos jongdae is a cute son (and this is an au anyways)!!! 
> 
>  
> 
> started July 9, 2013 and finished July 29, 2013


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